The Stars Above Spin as I Lay Upon this Earth!

Just in case....

2011-04-20T18:24:00.001-04:00

Hello, all, I hope I find you in good health.
As I am sure you can tell, I do not frequent this place too much anymore. I suppose I should give you some sort of forwarding address to my new space, yes?
I may create some sort of a new blog here, once I figure out what I wish to write about. But for now, you can find me in these locations:
Here,
Here,
this one as well,
and here.

EDIT!! I have another blog you can go check out, if you so choose. It's right here.

Maybe one day, I'll come back, make up a nice tidy little blog detailing my life as something, but for now, these ones that I have posted above will have to do!
I thank you all for your patience, and I hope to see you in the future!

H-Hello?

2010-07-11T22:44:00.000-04:00

...

It seems no one is here anymore. I've run out of things to say that are not going to end up in the bitchfest, depression, or annoying catagories.

When I first started this blog, I wanted the words to be heard and read by many. I wanted them to be commented on, and discussed, and cared about. But no one does. I don't know what to do to draw complete strangers attention. I have followers, but none of you, save a very, VERY small number actually comment. And those who do comment seem to have left.

I had hoped that my words would be meaningful, helpful, or thought-provoking. I guess not.

This isn't a goodbye, so to speak, but I may not post, or comment, or do much for a very long time. Clearly this blog isn't going to be missed in it's current format, so that probably doesn't bother you all. I need to take some time to figure out what the purpose of all this writing should be. This needs to have a reason to be written, and I haven't found it yet.

Cheers, y'all. I'll see you in the future.

2010-07-01T18:31:00.000-04:00

They're back.

Those old, disgusting demons have crawled forth once more from their dirty, worthless pit. They have latched hold once more upon my soul. They taint all that I see and touch, they poison the very air and earth around me.

They begin their assault once more.

With hateful daggers and merciless tongues, they score me again and again. They've chained me up to their own little versions of the racks of Hell, filling me up with poisonous thoughts and cutting me open with sharp lies.

All the while, I think, "Why now? Why did these solid walls I built, so painstakingly, so carefully, have to come crashing down now? Why could they not have waited until I had something a little stronger to hold onto? Why, after years of saying I'm fine and It's great, those years of opportunity, did these hideous things have to come back?"

What did I do to deserve the self-loathing that warps my mirrors till they are broken, the relentless hatred that twists my words until they bleed, the fear that rips apart my mind, and the self-critique that smudges and scribbles across all that I do? A person cannot live sanely with these traits.

Why must it be that my biggest flaw is the flaw that is only alive and well because it is not really a flaw?

Something needs to happen. NAO!

2010-06-07T09:10:00.000-04:00

I'm bored. There is nothing to do here, where I be living. So I have to make my own fun. Which consists of drawing, writing, reading, and Supernatural. Throw in some cooking, and the radio, and that's my day. I'm not kidding. I don't have a car, so I can't go anywhere, and even if I did, I can't drive, mostly because I don't like driving. Yeah, it's fun here.

And here's the worst part: I've lost the drive to draw and write. NOOOOOOO!!

So here's where y'all come in. Leave a comment. Do a dance. Eat food. Then leave another comment on the experience.

The first comment should be about this:
~A friend and I were trying to figure out what I should do to get my groove back, what little of it I had in the first place. This is my writing/drawing groove we are talking about, to clarify. The friend suggested I started doing comics. Ideas, please, because that sounds fun, but all of my ideas suck. Yeah.

And that's it for now. I was going to do a super awesome video blog...but my camera is kind of special. Meaning it isn't very good.

See y'all later!

It's one of those days...

2010-05-10T17:41:00.000-04:00

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad World
Enlarging your world
Mad World

~Mad World, sung by Gary Jules.

Shocking realization.

2010-04-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

So, there I was, just happily sitting in good ol' 429, when a shocking realization came to me:

I only have a little over 3 weeks left.

This thought kind of befuddled me, mostly because "3 weeks left" came up a whole lot faster than "first day." It saddened me, this thought, because it made me think that I only had 3 weeks left with my college friends before we went our separate ways, before I had to stop crushing on this cute boy in one of my classes, before grades were done and my fate was decided for next semester. And then an even bigger thought occured to me.

None of the stuff with Simone mattered. That was so petty in the scale of things. I wasted so much energy being fustrated about that. I realized that this was a part of it. Of life. You have to deal with the little crappy things, as well as the big wonderful things. And vice versa. Everything that happened this year has shaped me a little more, has made me stronger, and has just added to my list of experiences.

It still feels weird and sad to think that in a few weeks time, I will be packing up all my shtuff and heading out for the last time. I guess I will be handing in my little id card and key, I'll be doing a double-triple-quadruple check, just to "make sure," when we all know it's me not really being ready to leave. Because, in a way, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get home, where the food is real, the cat meows, and the bathroom has a door on it. But I will miss college. There are so many people here that are important to me. So many little things: the swings, fencing, all the little nooks and crannies that I found as little safe havens. I must say, I will miss it.

Soon, I will be packing up this here old lap top, and the posts may become a little less frequent, due to the lack of an internet connection at home. Unless I wanted to use the home computer. Which I could. It will feel so odd to be walking out that door, never to really come back. It's kind of like high school graduation, but a little more and a little less. I wonder if this is how it sort of feels to be graduating college...

Cheers, y'all. I will keep you updated on these last few bits of my freshman year at college. They should be interesting.

Sigh....

2010-04-01T13:09:00.000-04:00

I hate a lot of things. But we won't go into that now. I'm not going to assault your eyes with my bitching and moaning. I wish not to be one of those blogs. Those blogs have a tendency to get old quick. Instead, I shall skip that, leaving it at "I hate a lot of things," and let you know that it is a negative thought. If you wish to know what it is I hate, address a brand new fencing foil, mask, jacket, and set of gloves, as well as a nice camera, 429 Tyson Hall, West Chester University, West Chester, PA, 19383. Or you can send a letter. Or do nothing.

Which brings me to my non bitchfest post:

I have fallen in love.

With this:

Yes, dear readers. I have fallen in love with Fencing. I recently tried this amazing sport for the first time. Last night to be specific. It's amazing. The movements, the control needed, everything. It's all amazing. And fun. I have joined the fencing club at school. A small group of us have. Oh, I hope to take some action shots of all of us going at it. We actually got to duel with one another last night. Jackets, masks, foils, and all. I'm not very good, obviously, but it still is amazing. I just need to figure out how to practice. A meter stick should do. I think, if I decide I like this, I may look for a nearby club back home. And if I like it even more, then I may buy my own equiptment. Who knows? I just can't wait for next week. We learned a lot last meeting. Like, did you know that there are three kinds of fencing? Foil, Epee (I think that's how you spell it...), and Sabre. Each has it's own set of rules. We start with Foil. In the picture above, it's a foil, I belive. Epee has a curved blade, and the guard is bigger. Sabre is a little wider, and has a slightly larger guard than foil, as well as that handle-y thing on the outside. Here, a picture will be easier to explain....

A is Epee, B is Sabre, and C is Foil.

So far, we've learned En Guard, Advance, Retreat, Cross Advance, Cross Retreat, Lunge, and a few attacks.

It's a great stress reliever, what with beating the crap out of your friends and all.
So excited for next week!

Just not right...

2010-03-21T23:26:00.000-04:00

I'm tired, I'm in pain, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed, I'm self-esteemless, and I'm unhappy. Could someone please make this week go a little faster? Could someone make this semester end already? I want all this shit that goes on to be done. I hate my room mate (the inconsiderate thing), her friends are annoying, and this year is just so boring. I want to go home, and I will say that, no matter how childish it sounds.

Please, oh God, if there ever was one, let something happen to change this whole mess soon! I'm begging you, I don't want to deal with this any more. I'm tired, I hurt, I'm angry. Every day. Please, oh how I am begging you, please let it all end soon...

Sun

2010-03-19T14:48:00.000-04:00

Okay, so my little bitchfest last time is over. Sorry about that, I really hate to put those kinds of things on here, it's not like you really want to read that stuff, it's boring. So no more of that hopefully.

Anyways...

So, there is some gorgeous weather going on right now. For the past four days, it's been warm-ish, sunny, and glorious. I always feel so much better after a few days like this. I think I may be solar powered. It feels good to be able to get out and run around, play frisbee, or just lounge on the grass in the quad. I have never seen so many people on campus. It's like the university has doubled in population. I actually saw someone doing a hula-hoop dance. She was really good. She wasn't like "holy shit, that's good" good, but she was just kind of lazily practicing. People were out with large groups of friends just enjoying this break in the rain that is normal for West Chester. Some friends and myself went to a local park the other day and enjoyed a picnic for dinner. It was just so relaxing and felt like the perfect break in the busy world of college.

Not. Happy.

2010-03-15T00:56:00.002-04:00

I'm really hating school right now. I'm tired of my classes, they are either boring or just plain stupid. My room mate is bugging the hell out of me. She's rude, incosiderate, and just plain awful. She's taken up more than her fair share of the room, she stays up till all hours, keeps the tv on when she's not even watching, brings friends in at 3 am and keeps them here till early, even though I am trying to sleep. I cannot wait to come home. Two weeks until a small break from all this shit. Two weeks. And I have less than 50 days till this year is over. I cannot wait. I'm tired of it. This shit sucks. I'm tired, but she's still up, so she has the fucking tv on. She has a ton of lights on. She's making food. She's in and out of the room. I'm tired of this shit. I cannot wait till it's done.

Oh, Hay!

2010-03-11T23:06:00.001-05:00

I has new blog, you go check it out, ja?

http://squibbleaboutit.blogspot.com

Is cool, ja?

You help and tell friends about, ja?

Sorry!

2010-03-04T09:59:00.002-05:00

Oh, jesus, I forgot again. Two's days. Yup, i think it's three weeks now that we've gone without? Sorry, things have just been so busy lately, and I was sick multiple times, and yeah.

So. Spring break is coming up, and I am rather excited about that. Failing three tests, and fucking up a research paper all in one week wears down a person, you know? I didn't do it on purpose, so don't worry. But because of one of the tests, I am really questioning my abilities as an English Major. I mean, if I can't do well on this stuff, how the hell am I going to do okay on the rest of it? Maybe once I really get into my major, it will all get better.

So. To make up for the missed two's days, I will just do it now. First, from Repo! The Genetic Opera, we have Zydrate Anatomy. Second, it's Who Could Win a Rabbit, by Animal Collective. I feel really weird today, so two weird songs. Cheers!

Oh, ps, If you could give up one forever, which would you give up, Chocolate or Cheese? Post your answer!

Zydrate Anatomy- Repo! The Genetic Opera (Terrance Zdunich and friends)
JUNKIES
I can't feel nothin' at all!

GRAVEROBBER
Drug market, sub market,
Sometimes I wonder why I ever got in
Blood market, love market,
Sometimes I wonder why they need me at all!
Zydrate comes in a little glass vial.

SHILO
A little glass vial?

JUNKIES
A little glass vial!

GRAVEROBBER
And the little glass vial goes into the gun like battery.
And the zydrate gun goes somewhere against your anatomy
And when the gun goes off, it sparks and you're ready for surgery.

JUNKIES
Surgery!

AMBER SWEET
Graverobber... Graverobber...
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Graverobber... Graverobber...
Sometimes I wonder why I need you at all!

GRAVEROBBER
And Amber Sweet is addicted to the knife

SHILO
Addicted to the knife?

JUNKIES
Addicted to the knife!

GRAVEROBBER
And addicted to the knife, she needs a little help with the agony.

JUNKIES
Agony!

GRAVEROBBER
And a little help comes in a little glass vial in a gun pressed against her anatomy
And when the gun goes off, Miss Sweet is ready for surgery

JUNKIES
Surgery!

AMBER SWEET
Graverobber... Graverobber...
Sometimes I wonder why I need you at all...

JUNKIES (SHILO)
It's clean, it's clear, it's pure (It's what?), it's rare...

GRAVEROBBER (SHILO)
It takes you there (It what?)

GRAVEROBBER (AMBER)
It takes you there! (It takes me there!)

GENTERNS
A little jump

GRAVEROBBER
Before the cut

JUNKIES
Why agonize? Anesthetize

AMBER
I can't feel nothin' at all..

GRAVEROBBER (AMBER)
'Cos surgery is what you need (what I need), to change inside

GRAVEROBBER, JUNKIES, AMBER
To feel alive.

[Graverobber whistles.]

SHILO
Hey, that's a Blind Mag song!

Amber snaps to attention

AMBER
Who did that?

Graverobber points at Shilo and backs away

AMBER
So you think you got heart?
So you think you got balls?
So you think Mag can sing?

SHILO
I don't think nothin' at all...

AMBER
So you think MAG has pipes?
Well it's my turn to shine
When the Repo man strieks!

SHILO
What are you talkin' about?

Amber shoves a news article into Shilo's hands]

GRAVEROBBER
Mag's contract's got some mighty fine print

SHILO
Some mighty fine print?

JUNKIES
Some mighty fine print...

GRAVEROBBER
And that mighty fine print puts Mag in a mighty fine predicament
If Mag up and splits, her eyes are forfeit, and if GeneCo and Rotti so will it,
Then a repo man will come and she'll pay for that surgery. Surgery...
Surgery... Surgery... (cont. with Junkies)

JUNKIES
I can't feel nothin' at all!

Who Could Win a Rabbit- Animal Collective
Hungry bread-and-butter hustle
You've been doing it a while, it is only fair
Where's your relaxation?
Where's the time required for your health
Been hating on my new perspective
Been hurrying along, no meal is ever done
You could win a rabbit
You could have a rabbit or
If the fast child is going to have a dead hand
We can get him started, yeah
Bad mind, let me put on good habits
Been working to put on good habits
Sometimes I can't find my good habits.
Do do-do-do-do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
Do do-do-do-do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

Spanish bands use all the echo
Persian kitties better stay out of the train
Glad you brought your food on
Eat it like it's going to get away
This coffee sure is getting colder
The seats are getting fewer
Space is losing place
You could win a rabbit
You could blow an island through the rib
Rabbit or a habit?
Habit or a rib?
Rabbit or a habit?
Habit or a rib?
Rabbit or a habit?
Habit or a rib?

formspring.me

2010-03-02T10:08:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/CaelumMortis

So, yeah...

2010-02-18T20:37:00.002-05:00

I'm bored. Why don't we play a game?

It's called 25. It's an age old game, one of the best ways to get to know someone.

Actually, that's a lie. I just made it up, and you may or may not get to know me better. Yeah. Anyways, here's how it goes: I put up 25 random things, and then you put up 25 random things. I should probably tag some folks, but being as very few folks read this, there would be no point. So...yeah.

1. I am female.
2. I can't drive.
3. I play flute.
4. I have mostly male friends, it seems.
5. I play D&D. Nerdosity rocks.
6. Video games make me happy.
7. I love my tablet. Remove it from my possession and feel my wrath. Word.
8. I sketch a lot. Like, my notes from class are covered in little doodles. It's almost illegible.
9. I hope to be an author.
10. I have never really had a boyfriend. I have dated, but not long enough to be considered "boyfriends."
11. I have trust issues. It takes a while for me to trust people, and it's kind of easy to lose that trust.
12. I have self-image issues.
13. I am an open book, you just have to turn the pages.
14. PURPLE. I LIEK IT.
15. I like cars. I'm not an expert, but I like them. Top Gear are awesome.
16. I pretty much live on Deviantart.com. I'm no expert, but it's my fave site, by far.
17. I love swimming, I could do it for hours.
18. Dr. Eck and Olivia saved my life. No one can dispute this fact.
19. I like all kinds of music. Except maybe country.
20. I love this shop called "Green-Eyed Lady." It's down in town, and is an amazing little shop. It has hundreds of necklaces, bracelets, and rings, as well as a few cute outfits, and some other accessories. I can always find something there.
21. Terrance Zdunich, Ganondorf, and my brother are all cool people. This is an indisputable fact.
22. Anything military is awesome. Clothing style, or people serving, equally great.
23. All of my friends are cool in their own way. They are weird, insane, freaky, and perverted, but that's okay.
24. I'm an English Major, and I can't spell.
25. This is the end of the thing. Cool.

So hey, what are your responses.

Bored!

2010-02-16T17:21:00.001-05:00

My god. I am sitting in my WRT 200 class.

I am about to die.

Someone entertain me.

^_^

2010-02-10T01:52:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to Me!

OMG THE MOVIE

2010-02-08T23:01:00.003-05:00

HOLY VIDEOTAPE, BATMAN!

Hokay, so this is my first video blog, yeah? Pretty sweet video blog, right? WROOOONG!

Okay, enough silly business. In this episode, we discuss how bad this video is, bad teeth, my dorm room, Repo! The Genetic Opera, and absolutely nothing. Feel free to skip ahead to the feature presentation of "The Blank Screen." I hear it's a good one.

Questions? Comments? Keep them to yourselves. Nah, just kidding. Go ahead and say stuff. I like that.

PS--I don't know what is with the huge stretchy picture under the video. I can't delete it. It's a really bad photo, of course. So please do ignore it! And the pause in the beginning of this tap is me realizing that it indeed did start. And you may have to turn it up pretty loud. KThnxbai!

Video Blog

2010-02-01T15:29:00.001-05:00

What would you guys say to me posting a video blog every now and again? I wouldn't do it all the time, just every so often. What do you think?

Oh, no, not again...

2010-01-29T21:49:00.002-05:00

One of my friends just told me that he has been trying really hard not to sleep with me.

Oh, shit.

That means he still has feelings for me. I don't.

He thinks I'm flirting with him. I'm not. Around a guy that I would like to be more than friends with, I don't act like that. I don't make comments like that.

This isn't good. I had a goal to get through this semester without any guy drama. Last semester sucked because of that.

He has a girl friend, I'm not exactly interested, I KNOW he's not the one. BTW, I'm a virgin. I just know he's not the one I want to be my first.

Oh, lord, this isn't good.

Someone help. Please.

Mkay, here we go!

2010-01-26T21:52:00.003-05:00

So, today is a Twosday. That's cool. I'll get to that in a minute.

First: WHERE DID Y'ALL GO?!?!?!?! The only one with an excuse is Ellundel, being as I believe you said you are sans computer. The rest of y'all...for shame. Megan, I guess that you have an excuse, the poor one that college is, and those of you who are randomly following me, but never comment...WTF? Why get my hopes up, and then just be like, "oh, jk, you suck."?

Second: I have come across the most amazing of site known to man. This is better than Facebook, DeviantArt, ThinkGeek, and this one combined. No lie. It's called Urbis.com. And I have fallen in love....

...with writing again. You see, one day whilst wandering around SMITH, I happen to see and ad of sorts for Urbis. My curiosity piqued, I clicked (hehe, that rhymed!...Oh, not really...). And I found heaven.

Urbis is a site for writers of all skill levels to post, get critiques/reviews on, and have people discover their work. Never before have I gotten such amazing feedback. I am actually currently working on a book. Not even kidding. I posted the first chapter up there, and got some great feedback. The person pointed out stuff that I would never have seen, and gave me some great suggestions on making the chapter better. Before posting the chapter though, my first Urbis bit was a poem. The review I got on it made me feel so proud of what I did for once. Do you want to read it? Wish Granted:

"You have a good command of the English language, which is somewhat surprising for a writer your age, especially in comparison to so many writers on Urbis of your age. You also aren’t afraid to experiment with the language, using it as a tool to express the full range of your senses…instead of locking yourself into tried and true grammatical constructions. No, your sentences are perfectly grammatical; that’s not what I’m saying. So many would-be writers here are stuck on simple declarative sentences employing minimal vocabulary on minimalist ideas, because they haven’t the guts to let it all hang out. They think that they can hide their inadequacies by writing in George Orwell’s ridiculous Newspeak or under Hemingway-esque forms. I’m glad you’re not of that ilk.

Your use of verbs is exceptional too. Too many writers forget that it is the verb that powers the sentence, not the adjective. However, if I were you, I’d check the meaning and connotation of at least two words that strike the ear a bit odd, even if you were trying to anthropomorphize the wreath or the trees, which I don’t think you were or should: shiver and chatter. Isn’t shivering a reflex in response to cold or fear, such as a person would do? Wouldn’t “flutter” remove the connotation of the wreath having feelings, in the sense that it did not shiver, it was acted upon by the wind and fluttered? Likewise, the trees don’t chatter, like magpies do, but they do clatter when their branches bump against each other.

Now for the content: What you wrote, was it worth writing about? It’s more than a portrait of Anytown, USA; it’s an indictment at the same time, a criminal accusation against the empty coldness of life in a small town. So, emphatically, yes, it was worth describing how one person reacted to a moment in time in regards to her own life. One might be tempted to say that nothing happened in the scene. That person would be wrong. A two-dimensional picture of “Our Town” was dissected in front of our eyes, strung up in near-transparent layers, and analyzed against the popular culture of a post-apocalyptic future. If you ask me, pretty hot stuff."

This was by a man who goes by the name of Wulfenstraat. If you would care to see the poem itself at all, just say the word and I'll get it up here.

Never before Have I gotten such lovely praise for my work, and on the chapter, never before have I gotten such in depth critique, even from teachers. It really does make me feel like I do have a chance at being a writer. I know it's a long shot, but maybe, just maybe, I can climb into the cannon with more confidence.

Okay, enough of that stuff, now onto the Twosday Picks. I felt pretty awesome today. First up, mostly because I walked to my 8 am to this'n, is "Symphonies" by Dan Black. Second, and I will explain in a moment why I chose this song, is "March of Mephisto" by Kamelot. Kamelot is called an "alternative rock" band, but I would call them "epic-storytelling-operatic-awesome-dark-creepy-hardcore-you-have-to-listen-to-this rock". Seriously, just give this song a listen. Listen to the words, read them whilst you listen. I know, I know, it's creepy as f**k, but just do it to make me happy. So here ya go. Cheers, y'all.

Symphonies- Dan Black

I come disguise I was hypnotized
Lost a track, struggled back
I wanted easy stuff to please me
Something in the dark began to squeeze me
Seen it, there, then there in the mirror
Totally focused, no hocus pocus
Dare I give in to this thing gripping my skin
To win, thinking how to
As

The lights of a car go by in a stream
Seems like I stand pretty much unseen
But I open my eyes and beams
Come out

Gimme, gimme, symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see
Score adds up
Angels play
Let my loneliness get blown away

Gimme, gimme, symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see

I lie down in the dust just under your eye
A scrap of paper, thin as vapour
Filling my clothes like smoke
A couple of the wires in my heart are broke
I throw, I miss, something, nothing
Dreams, schemes, moments wasted
Taste I tasted
Fate I'm fated
Re-edited again then copy pasted

The lights of a car go by in a stream
Seems like I stand pretty much unseen
But I open my eyes and beams
Come out

Gimme, gimme, symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see
Score adds up
Angels play
Let my loneliness get blown away

Gimme, gimme, symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see

When I wanna quit, I suffocate it
I chew bubblicious, stress repetitious
Vicious, I'm one outside you
Up above the streets on the DCY-er
Higher, fire in my guts
In a rut, but what I've got
Is in no can, no other human
But I do get lonely, scared I'm phony
As

The lights of a car go by in a stream
Seems like I stand pretty much unseen
But I open my eyes and beams
Come out

Gimme, gimme, symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see
Score adds up
Angels play
Let my loneliness get blown away

Gimme, gimme, symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see

Gimme, gimme symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see

Gimme, gimme symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see

March of Mephisto- Kamelot
[with Shagrath from DIMMU BORGIR]

ASPIRAT PRIMO FORTUNA LABORI
ME DUCE TUTUS ERIS
VOX POPULI VOX DEI
AD MAIOREM DEI GLORIAM...
AD INFINITUM

[English translation:]

[The fortune is smiling at our first effort,
let me lead you and you will be safe,
the voice of people, voice of god
for bigger glory of the god
to the infinity.]

You know just who I am
Don't be so distant
Cause when you're lost
I am solely there to share your grief

Wailing for your sorrow
Is only my way to comfort you
Reminders of innocent youth
Waiting for morrow you're lonely
I name your solitude
I speaketh the truth

Now tell me all about your pain
Down to the detail
Don't say it's love
Your fragile heart feeds my contempt

Wailing for your sorrow
Is only my way to comfort you
Reminders of innocent youth
Waiting for morrow you're lonely
I name your solitude
I speaketh the truth

Chase the heathen call
We belong... you and I
Unison in all you deny

Wailing for your sorrow
Is only my way to comfort you
Reminders of innocent youth
Waiting for morrow you're lonely
I name your solitude
I speaketh the truth

I am the thorn in your side
That seeks accomplishment
Reminding the mortal of death
I am the spore of your pride
An angel heaven sent
The master of all
I am the urge of the flesh

BEST. SCHEDULE. EVAR!

2010-01-21T17:36:00.003-05:00

I have a great schedule this semester. Here's the breakdown:

Monday:
10:00-10:50 Anthropology: Cultures
12:00-12:50 Latin 102 (with the most awesome Dr. John Rosso, in the tiniest room in Main Hall)
4:00-5:45 Intro to Geology (the Lecture)

Tuesday:
8:00-9:15 English Histories and Texts
4:15-7:00 Critical Writing

Wednesday:
Same as Monday, except the Lecture is Exchanged for a lab.

Thursday:
Same as Tuesday, except minus the Writing class.

Friday:
Same as Monday and Tuesday, except I'm done after Latin.

I love my schedule! I have time to do stuffs, and all of my classes are great. I like them all so far. Some of them may pose a challenge, but it will be worth it! Plus, WCU is just plain ol' awesome. I'm really happy here. Aside from the roommate occasionally getting drunk, and being pretty loud even sober, it's good here. I may go 'round and take some cool photos of the joint, and post 'em for y'all. ^_^

As always, cheers.

Ok, my bad...

2010-01-20T23:47:00.002-05:00

Sorry, I missed the Twosday this week. The first day of second semester was tuesday, so I was just a tad distracted. So, as a make up, I'll do four songs today. It'll be a foursday. If that makes any sense. And I will update the dragon picture soon, I was working on other things of that ilke. So, first song is "Girl and the Sea" by the Presets, second is "Punches, Kicks, Trenches, and Swords" by Pint Shot Riot, "Feeling Good" as sung by Michael Buble (a personal uber-power up song), and (as per a suggestion ^_^) "Laughing With" by Regina Spektor. Cheers, y'all.

Girl and the Sea- the Presets
Tonight the
tonight the hills are watching her
as she runs towards the sea
yeah she runs so she be free

And of all the friends and enemies shes made along the way
they are no where in her thoughts
as she dives beneath the waves

And he's the one that you've seen sometimes on tv
and his shirt is on the ground
while he's tackled by police
and the parcel that he throws across the bridge into the creek
it'll flow towards the sea
it will meet with her tommorow

No place,
some time
we'll clear
our eyes
and when
you're down
i'll come around

And all the
places shes been along the way
flames are licken at their walls
night glows with their remains

From far away the animals come gather round to see
but she knows not how they feel
and she knows not what it means

When she was young we'd ask her what she'd like to be
and she'd close her eyes and dream...

...now we're no where in her thoughts
as she dives beneath the waves.

A place
I've found
could be
all ours
but I've seen
where you
would rather be.

Punches, Kicks, Trenches, and Swords- Pint Shot Riot
...fail. Okay, so bad on my part. I cannot for the life of me find the lyrics to this one. But google it, and listen. Is good song, yeah? The first time I actually listened to it the whole way through, I was half asleep, and I got so disoriented and confused. But then I listened to it awake, and was like "ORLY? YARLY!" Just do it, I promise it wont hurt.

Feeling Good- Michael Buble
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

Laughing With- Regina Spektor
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war

No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls
After some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
when it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane
Starts to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love hand in hand
with someone else and they hope that they’re mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door
And they say “We’ve got some bad new, sir,”
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine, fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
When the crazies say he hates us
and they get so red in the head
You think that they’re about to choke
God can be funny
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
Ha ha, ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
when they’ve lost all they got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
that the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re saying their goodbyes

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
When the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head
you think that they’re about to choke
God can be funny
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
(repeat)
No one’s laughing at God in a hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war

No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one’s laughing at God
(repeat)
We’re all “laughing with God”

01.17.2010

2010-01-17T02:06:00.000-05:00

Hello? Is anybody there?

1.12.2010 @ 2:17 pm

2010-01-12T14:17:00.004-05:00

OMG...ooh, remind me to never start a post with "OMG" again, please....
Anyways, it's almost time to go back to WCU! Oh, and the picture is just an edited bowl of pasta I made for lunch. It was good.
It's a twosday, y'all. But I'll get to that in a moment. First, a pic update. This would be hour two (ooh, how fitting hour TWO on a TWOsday.) of the drawing. I went back and redid some stuff, and started up on the background and surrounding stuff. And before you ask, no, those are not large piles of shit. It will eventually be mountains of gold and jewels, the likes of which you will never posses. If you do, I'm sorry for the accusation. It's okay. I still am dreading the coloring process. I hate coloring, I think I may take a break and practice a bit more before I start the process.

Okay, the TWOsday picks. The first is by a band that I don't really think is well known, called Red. The second is by As I Lay Dying. Respectively, "Hide" and "I Never Wanted".

Cheers everyone.

Hide- RED
Waste away
I'm crawling blind
Hollowed by what I left inside
For you, just you
I'm caught in place
But I ignore what I can't erase

I will run and hide till memories fade away
And I will leave behind a love so strong

Close my eyes theses voices say
Haunting me, I can't escape
For you, just you
Time will always wait
While I throw away what I can't replace

I will run and hide till memories fade away
And I will leave behind a love so strong [x2]

I will run and hide!
And I will leave behind!

I will run and hide till memories fade away
And I will leave behind a love so strong!

I Never Wanted- As I Lay Dying
I never wanted
And I never cared before

I never wanted
And I never cared before
Take it back
This is a new day

I never wanted
And I never cared before
Take it back
This is

How I long to regress
To the days before I took upon myself
The obsession of this world (for tomorrow)
A day of innocence equating beauty (may fall)
For tomorrow may fall (and today)
And today is already (is already gone)

Tomorrow may fall
Today is already gone

Take it back
This is a new day

I never wanted, this is a new day
And I never cared before
I never wanted, I never wanted
And I never cared before

I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this

Tomorrow may fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore these things
That will never satisfy me

I've seen my world change
And then go back to where it came

In this vicious circle
We are all brought back to life
Only to die
In this vicious circle
We are all brought back to life
Only to die (again)

In this vicious circle (I've seen my)
We are all (my world change)
Brought back to life (and then go back)
Only to die (back to where it came)
In this vicious circle (but without these)
We are all (barren obsessions)
Brought back to life (I am simply)
Only to die again (I am simply free)

I've seen my world change
And then go back to where it came

1.11.2010 @ 9.05 pm

2010-01-11T21:04:00.002-05:00

So, if'n you haven't noticed, I've got a new layout. This has come with some annoyances, the first being the date. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get the date to properly display, so I decided that I am either (a) going to use the title at the date/time display, or (b) have it be the first thing in the body of the post. Comment link is located at the top of the post now, and is called...something different, can't recall right now. The blog title is different, yes. I like it better. And the fish are not there anymore. We may have to change that.

Whelp, that's all for now. Cheers! And I will update the drawing thing later, haven't had much time to work on it.

So, whilst we are on the subject...

2010-01-10T21:40:00.006-05:00

In order to motivate my lazy ass into doing things, I decided that I am going to post one of my drawings. I will continue to update it, from start to finish, and say stuff like how many hours it's taken me, little self-critiques, and all that fun stuff. I would love, Love, LOVE it if y'all would say stuffs about it, like that it looks cool, it looks like shit, what the hell is it?, that kind of stuff. So here we go. This is the first photo, hopefull it'll work. This is about an hour into creation, and I'll explain the details in a sec.

Soo...this is a dragon. I know it still looks uberly sketchy, and that I said I had been working on it for about an hour. One would generally expect more to be completed in an hour. Reason: I was drawing this completely with a tablet. I am new to working with a tablet. Yeah. I also was having one hell of a time with those wings. No matter how I drew them, they still didn't look natural. They still look funny to me. And I know that the front feet look like mitten or just plain deformed, and the framework is still there. I'm working on it. Meh, it's okay. I'm hoping once I finalize it all, it'll look better. And things always look better when colored. Whachya think?

PS- This is still the same blog. I have just been changing it. I've had it for over a year, and my tastes have changed accordingly. Please keep reading. I like you guys. You all are awesome to the extreme. Even those of you who never comment, or used to, but don't anymore. :(

I!...am stuck...

2010-01-10T00:58:00.002-05:00

So, I am supposed to be doing these really awesome drawings for some friends right? If I didn't mention this before, I am doing some really awesome drawings for friends. BUT I have no motivation. None whatsoever. So far on my DA, I have a half-assed version of meself (Caelum), and a "I was really bored, and had no idea what to do, so yeah" version of our DM. And see, the fustrating part is that I have a tablet, and I know I am capable of much better work. But I got nothin' goin' for me. And I feel like I need to get these done fairly soon, or I'll never get them done. I may have just taken on too big of a work load. I mean, in total, I have 8 drawings to do. At first, that did not sound like a whole lot, but...

Ah, meh. I'll get it done.

Oh, Megan? Side note to you. If you like Chick-flicks, I highly suggest you go see Leap Year. Cute Irish Guy is cute. And Irish. It's not the best movie ever, but it's fun. I think you would like it.

Whelp, that's all, y'all. I go back to WCU in a week. I miss my various gangs there, all my homies. Check how black I am, yo. Okay, I'll stop with that now. I'm sure you are clawing your eyes out. Sorry.

Oh, ps, I'm going job hunting in West Chester! Hopefully there will be a job there for me to hunt! Yay me and my initiative!

Cheers!

Guess what kids? It's tuesday! And you know what that means...

2010-01-05T22:31:00.002-05:00

It's TWOSDAY!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Haha, lolz. I am going to have so much fun with this. So, I've been kind of lazy but not today. It was one of those "I woke up earlier than normal, but was rested, so I just lay comfy under my covers, and thought about stuff contently until the morning finished its grey cycle" mornings. And then I spent the rest of the day altering between going on Deviantart.com, deciding what to wear, surfing the internets, drawing, writing, laughing at funny stuff on ThinkGeek.com, and dancing to my guilty pleasure, AKA Britney Spears and EuroPop. 'Twas a fairly good day. Lolz.

Todays Twosdays picks are fairly simple. Both are out of Europe-ish, and are just fun little tunes. One is more silly than the other, obviously, but they balance each other out. The first is "Just for Now" by Imogen Heap, and the second is (you're gonna lol at this...again, guilty pleasure...) "Blue (da-ba-dee)" by Eiffle 65. Yeah. I know. Don't say it. I was dancing all crazy-like to that one, just having a good time. You should try it some time. In public too. I wanna do that sometime, actually. Get a set of tiny speakers, hook up an Ipod with something like Blue on it, and just start jamming with some friends and strangers. Laugh. That sort of thing. Yeah, enough rambling...heres the lyrics. Cheers!

Just for Now - Imogen Heap
Just for now
Just for now
Just for now
Just for now
Just for now
Just for now

It's that time of year
Leave all our hopelessness's aside
If just for a little while
tears stop right here
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.
I'm secretly on your side

How did you know?
It's what I always wanted
Could never have had too many of these
Well you, quit kicking me under the table
I'm trying; will somebody make her shut up about it?
Can we settle down please?

It's that time of year
Leave all our hopelessness's aside
If just for a little while
tears stop right here
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.
I'm secretly on your side

Lie down
Deep breaths
Count to ten
Nod your head

I think something is burning
Now you've ruined the whole thing
Muffle the smoke alarm
Whoever put on this music?
Better quick sharp remove it
Pour me another
Oh, don't wag your finger at me

It's that time of year
Leave all our hopelessness's aside
If just for a little while
tears stop right here
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.
I'm secretly on your side

Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Get me outta here

Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Get me outta here

Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Just for love
Just for love

Blue (Da-Ba-Dee) - Eiffle 65
Yo listen up
Here's the story about a little guy that lives in a blue world
And all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him
indside and outside
blue his house with A blue little window and a blue corvette
and everything is blue for him and his-self
and everybody around cuz he ain't got nobody to listen.

I'm blue dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
I'm blue dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie

I have a blue house with a blue window
blue is the color of all that I wear
blue are the streets and all the trees are too
I have a girlfriend and she is so blue
blue are the people here that walk around
Blue like my corvette it's sitting outside
Blue are the words I say and what I think
Blue are the feelings that live inside me.

I'm blue dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
I'm blue dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie

I have a blue house with a blue window
blue is the color of all that I wear
blue are the streets and all the trees are too
I have a girlfriend and she is so blue
blue are the people here that walk around
Blue like my corvette it's sitting outside
Blue are the words I say and what I think
Blue are the feelings that live inside me.

I'm blue dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
I'm blue dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie
dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie

Oh, and PS- I may start posting some of my writings. IDK. See y'all later!

When I grow up...

2009-12-30T21:10:00.002-05:00

Today, I watched an old Cary Grant film with me mum. I can't quite remember the time it was made, but it was called "The Awful Truth", and I highly suggest you watch it. Very cute film, just good for a few laughs. Anyways, it got me to thinking. There are a few things that I want in and from this life, and they are mostly small, itty-bitty, seemingly unimportant things, but I just want them. So now, ladies and gentlemen of the audience, I present to you my "Materialistic Bitch List". Some of these things are not material things, yes, but the greater portion of them are. So bear with me, and some do have explanations as to why I would desire them.

A Good Man-Duh. If I need to explain, then you will never know.
Silly lacy/silky things- specifically, one of those pretty silk nightdresses that the ladies in all those old romance movies wore. Y'know the ones, they usually were light pink, or some cream color, and the ladies would be in their highly ornate bedrooms, or some such place, lounging on a couch despairing about some man in their lives, all the while delicately holding a nice full glass of red wine in their hands. You know the ones.
Old Books-Books is good. I liek da books. I have a few books that are very nicely bound, and I love them so much.
Venetian Masks- I have one in my room, and its really pretty, I'll post a picture of it some time. I've seen these things here and there, and they are all really lovely, I could never choose. But they are so expensive...
Dresses- While I very rarely where skirts and dresses, I do so love to wear them. There is just never any occasion to do so. In that case...
A Reason to wear a dress/get all dolled up- I love that phrase "get all dolled up."
A really nice bathtub- Yes, silly. But the bathtubs in my home are not quite good for soaking. They drain the water out rather quickly (even if you don't want it to), and they are not very big. I want a deep tub, with little spaces around it that, should you fill it a bit too full, the water will spill into those, and you shan't have to worry about puddles.
Trees- I grew up in the woods, and now I live on the plains. I want my trees back. I remember when I first moved here. I felt like an exposed animal. There were no trees to hide in, no bushes to low-crawl under. I want mah trees back!
Flowers- I would love it is some nice gent would give me flowers. Just randomly too!
Journals/notebooks/paper products- It's a weakness...
A Good Massage- Another weakness of mine...
Music- Preferably listened to with someone...
Good Conversation
A Dressing Room- God, I am a sucker for the old romantics. I love those pretty little rooms the women had, with the little vanity table, and the cute stool, and a little couch, all those things.
A Spiral Staircase
A Chandelier
Big Windows- Floor to almost ceiling, please, so I can have...
Long Curtains- In pretty colors, and lovely patterns, and such.

Oh, my, I'm sure I've gone and bored you again, haven't I? These are all so silly. And in a list like this, they must sound even sillier. Oh, well, I'm a dreamer, and a wisher. On a writers salary, none of these shall probably happen. I don't have the talent to be a famous writer...oh, well, tah!

Twos-days

2009-12-29T23:55:00.003-05:00

So, I think I may start a new thing. I'm thinking I may start putting up two songs ever tuesday. Ones that describe my mood for the week, or some suchness. Because I want to make this one count, I'll explain the whole thing later. This weeks selections are "10,000 Days: Wings for Marie, Part 2" by TOOL, and "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap. Enjoy!

10,000 Days: Wings for Marie, Part 2

Listen to the tales and romanticize
How we follow the path of the hero
Boast about the day when the rivers overrun
How we rised to the height of our halo

Listen to the tales as we all rationalize
Our way into the arms of the savior
Fading all the trials and the tribulations
None of us have actually been there
Not like you

Ignorant flippants in the congregation
Gather around spewing sympathy
Spare me
None of them can even hold a candle up to you
Blinded by choices hypocrites won't seek

But enough about the collective Judas'
Who could deny you were the one who illuminated
My little piece of the divine

This little light of mine
The gift you passed onto me
i'll let it shine
To guide you safely on your way
Your way home

What are they going to do when the lights go down
Without you guide them home to Zion
What are they going to do when the river is overrun
Other than tremble incessantly

High is the way but our eyes are up on the ground
You were the light and the way, that they will only read about
I only pray, heaven knows when to lift you out
Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough
You're going home

You're the only one who can hold your head up high
Shake your fist at the gates saying:

I have come home now
Fetch me the spirit
The son, and the father
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended
It's time now, my time now
Give me my, give me my, wings

Give me my
Give me my wings

You are the light and the way
That they will only read about

Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance
Burning all through tossed upon non-believers
You were my witness
My eyes, my evidence
Judith Marie, unconditional one

Daylight dims
Leaving cold fluorescence
Difficult to see you in this light
Please forgive this bold suggestion
Should you see your maker's face tonight
Look them in the eye
Look them in the eye, and tell them
i never lived a lie, never took a life
But surely saved one, hallelujah
it's time for you to bring me home

Sweet Disposition

Sweet disposition
Never too soon
Oh reckless abandon,
Like no one's watching you

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh

Just stay there
Cause I'll be comin' over
While our bloods still young
It's so young, it runs
Won't stop til it's over
Won't stop to surrender

Songs of desperation
I played them for you

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A kiss, a cry
our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh

Just stay there
Cause I'll be comin' over
While our bloods still young
It's so young, it runs
Won't stop til it's over
Won't stop to surrender

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs (won't stop til it's over)

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A moment, a love
A moment, a love (won't stop to surrender)

^_^ omg omg omg Zomg omg omg ftw

2009-12-25T22:34:00.004-05:00

So...this had to be
THE
BEST
CHRISTMAS
EVAR.

why? OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHY!!

.......I got a Wacom Bamboo Tablet. Which is this....

Omg, so I have to tell you the story....

Yesterday, we (mum and I) went to pick Jamie and May (and da Bear) up from the train station. On the way home, May said "Oh, my god, I can not wait for you to open your present, you are going to pee yourself." That would perk up anyone's ears, so I was excited. Fast forward to today. This morning, we went through the usual opening of gifts, all of which were wonderful. We get towards the end, and May says again "Oh, my god, you are going to piss yourself, right James? Yeah, you are". I was curious, to say the least. Finally, it's down to the last present, which is Jamie and Mays gift to me. They hand it to me. It was a large bag, and as I reached inside, I felt a large box. Upon pulling it out, I found the box to my Gamecube. Took me a minute to realize that this was not the actual gift, but then I did open the box, to find an old sweater of my brothers. I looked at them, to find that May was practically bouncing out of her chair, and Jamie had a grin plastered across his face. I reach inside the sweater, finding another box. I started pulling it out. First came the lovely blue color of the box. Then I saw a picture of what was inside. And then the name. BAMBOO. I didn't piss myself, but I did start laughing histerically. Not loud histerically, but giddy histerically. I didn't know what to say. I was no prolific artist, so this was the last gift I had thought it could be. But there it was. A shiny new tablet, all my own. I wish I could have seen my face.

It's mah baby. I am so excited, I've been playing with it all day...

This was a great christmas. I think what made it great was the fact that I didn't REALLY say what I wanted, so people got me what they thought was best. It was so much fun.

Peace, love, happiness, and cheers, y'all. Hope yours was great. Have fun.

P.S. If you have a Nintendo DS of any variety, get Scribblenauts. Epic fun. Seriously. I'll lend it to you if you want. Just try it. Cheers!

What's this?

2009-12-25T01:19:00.002-05:00

First, let me start by saying Merry Christmas to you all. I hope this finds you well in health, if no where else. I am currently home from West Chester until about the 18th of January. That will go well...I sit now in my own bed, in my own room, with a cat staring at me creepily. The tree is decorated, and presents lie under it, just waiting to be either carefully unwrapped, or torn open. But something feels weird in me this time. I don't feel that usual excited feeling I have. Not the kind you get when you were little, and Santa was coming, and you JUST. COULD NOT. SLEEP. No matter what, your eyes refused to stay shut for more than ten minutes. The excitement I feel now (or once did) is about seeing others open the things that I found for them. Seeing their faces. But this time I don't feel that. I feel weird. Self-conscientious almost, at the thought of having people watch me open gifts. I've never liked that, opening gifts in front of people. Birthdays were odd for me. Even family, I feel weird about it. I want it to be over with.

I don't know why. Maybe I can just tell it's going to be hard for mom. I feel like I didn't get enough for her. And I know it's not about how much you get, or even what you get, blah, blah, blah, but I still feel that way.

Maybe it's because I don't like the feeling of greed that occasionally passes over me now. Christmas, ever since dad died, makes me feel greedy. I feel all sorts of guilty for wanting this, buying that, and I don't know why. There's no reason, it's not like I'm asking for the world, and it's not like I'm filling the house with things, but this feeling still comes over me, and I feel sad.

Maybe this is just a phase, and it will pass with the years. Is this something that starts happening when you are 18? I hope it ends. I don't like to fake happy. I don't want to be self conscientious opening a gift someone worked hard on picking out. I don't want to feel greedy on a day that is supposed to represent the birth of a person who gave everything they had.

Either way, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! I hope you are well, and warm, and well fed. I hope nothing burns down in an epic mishap that becomes a family tale for years to come, and I hope you find at least five minutes of perfect silence sometime during this day. Best wishes, love, and hope to all of you. Being as it is 1:35 in the morning now, I shall say sweet dreams to you all, and I'll see you in the morning!

Oh, finally, finally, FINAL-LY!!

2009-12-15T14:44:00.005-05:00

So, yesterday, as well as the day before, Jamie and May came to hang out. That gave me a huge boost in spirits. We ate food, went to the shops in town, talked a whole lot, and (I will admit it now...) joined my friends to play Dungeons and Dragons. Yes...I play. In my defense, it's the type of thing an English major would like. It involves hardcore imagination and strategy, as well as a lot of cursing. While there are a few hardcore-nerdy players in the group, most of them are nice. And it's not like we play EVERY night. I think we would kill each other if that happened. Moral of the story: Don't judge. I'm still cool.

But today....oh, Jesus, today...

Today marks the beginning of the week (though its not really a full week here) know as....

FINALS WEEK!!! (loud crashing noise and a "dun-dun-duuuuh-naaaaaaaah!")

After this week of sheer hell and sleeplessness, supplemented by WaWa Chocolate Milk and hummus from Larry's Market, I get to go home for about a month. I really can't wait. I love it here and all, but I like home too. Mostly because there is real food there. As well as a cat and a dog. And mom. But, after my last final, Latin, on the 18th, the day I leave for home (^_^), we are going to Longwood Gardens. I'm going to take some good pictures while we are there. I might put them up. I love going to the gardens, they are so pretty. I'm excited to get this over with. It seems like this week is going really slow, but I know that's because I'm almost done. It's really weird to think that I am halfway through my freshman year of college already. These next few years are going to go really fast, I think.

Well, I guess I have to start getting ready to go to the first of four finals: MATH. Oh, man, thank god it got multiple choice. I always kick ass on multiple choice anything. Here's to me! Lets hope I don't fail, because if I don't fail, I don't have to take a math class ever again, because English Majors don't give a fuck about math!!

Oh, almost forgot: Yesterday, I did a kick ass job on my Demonstration Speech. Hells yeah, the professor actually came up to me after class and told me I did good. Hows that for awesome, bitches? Aw, shit. That's how we do it at WCU.

See you later! Hopefully I won't die!! ^_^

English Journal Entry

2009-12-03T21:26:00.001-05:00

This is something that I had to write for my English class. I didn't actually have to write it, but I felt like it. So yeah. I find it to be particularly epic.

"This doesn't really have much of a title, mostly because it's all out of my own doing.

I really don't like Literary Analysis. And see, I know that's one of those "well, sucks to be you" things, but it's true. I'm not good at it.

When I read a book, and it says that there was a little boy standing in a large, empty square, holding a red ball in his hand, I see a little boy, standing in an empty square, holding a red ball in his hand. I don't see the square as being a metaphor for the feeling a deep, cold loneliness that the little boy (who is actually the author) feels, due to parentel neglect, or not having very many good friends, or just from the post Christmas blues. I don't see the red ball as a symbol of the bloodlust the little boy has begun to feel due to the war torn country he lives in (which is evident later on in this fictional book, when the boy is seen as a tyrant and a warlord of this same country), or maybe as the little light left in his life, or even the symbol of change. I just don't see that stuff. I mean, yeah, every now and again, I do see that kind of stuff, but it seems like a lot of stuff you really have to dig for. Honest to the Gods above us, I try. I strain my eyes to see in between those little lines, but I see nothing. My brain just doesn't work that way, I guess.

I'm good at making up those metaphors for things, and I like it when people read into my stuff, but I can't really do it the other way around. I try, but it's shallow and weak. I guess that's why I'm an English Writing major, not an English Literature major!

Ja, mata."

Sooooo....

2009-12-03T19:48:00.002-05:00

Well...My first semester of college is winding down. Finals are the week of the 14th, which is racing towards me. I am so going to fail my latin final. I just will, I can tell you that now. Carpe Diem, they say. To which I say occupo dies? Ego operor non animadverto a locus capto habitum. I don't even know if that is right...it's supposed to say "Seize the day? I do not see a place to grab hold." A little roman-esque humor, what have you. Either way, I'm a little stressed for the whole latin thing....

There is another thing that has been on my mind for a little while...I have begun the long journey of questioning religion. Megan, you know all about me and religion, but for the readers at home, lets just say I have never had an amazing relationship with God and all His buddies. But lately...I've been questioning all of those things. It really started with a band called RED. Most amazing band. They are a Christian Rock band, but you wouldn't guess it from the sound of it. Anyways, I was listening to them, and I began to think. And with me, thinking is a very dangerous thing. I've never really thought about allowing god into my life. Things have happened, and a lot of what the bible says (I think) goes against my logic in a way. I don't know. Its a really strange feeling. I can't tell if it's good or bad...

Hey, you should check this out. Totally.

2009-12-03T17:25:00.001-05:00

http://deathofcaelum.deviantart.com/

cuz my page reeks of epic. EPIC WIN, that is.

A Re-post, yes, but a very important Re-post.

2009-12-02T01:36:00.000-05:00

I wish death weren't real. I wish that no one had to see a loved one fade away, be it from disease, or an injury, or a battle. I wish if some one had to die, they would slip away quietly and peacefully in the night, and that their families would have warning, as to say a final goodbye, I love you. I wish that the person whose turn it was to go would just literally fade away during the night. Little sound would be made, little pain would be felt, and when the loved ones bed mate, if any, would awake the next morning, they would simply find themselves alone. I wish that no one died before their time was up. I wish everyone had the chance to live a full, long life. I wish that no child had to watch their mother or father fight a horrible illness, like cancer, an illness that robs people of their lives, their dignity, and their happiness. I wish that no little girl had to watch her father die. Watch the man that once represented everything a man should be fade into a shadow. Watch the man that once was strong, intimidating, and room-commanding fade into the corners and the beds and the frightening equipment that fills the home when he can't do much anymore. Watch the man that once carried her on his shoulders become frightened to walk up the stairs.

I would wish that on no one. Because I have lived through it. I have had to watch that man.

I wish it upon no family that they get ripped apart and have to stand in some cold graveyard and watch the father, the husband, the mother, the wife, the son, the daughter, the whoever, be lowered into a dirty pit.

I wish that on no one. Because I have seen that.

As I write this, memories that I have tried to push all the way to the back come to the front. And I really don't want them there. I have cried three days in a row, simply from remembering. I'm sorry that this may make you sad, but I needed to write it. That's what a blog is for, correct? I don't really know what brought this all on. Maybe I just needed it. I needed to remember. No, what I really need to do is visit him. Can you believe that in four years, I haven't gone down to Arlington to see his grave? I guess I really just haven't been ready. But I think I am ready now. I want to go see it. I know I will be a mess. How can I tell? I'm crying right now. Just thinking about it gets me upset. How am I going to keep it together there? But I need to. He's my father. I guess I just want to show him that I still love him, and miss him everyday. And now I can't really see the screen for the tears. And I don't have any tissues.

James Albert Maxhimer
Born: April 24, 1951
Died: February 16, 2005

I love you daddy. I miss you.

I'm not happy...

2009-11-30T17:51:00.002-05:00

Things have been so odd lately. I just feel so off. I'm happy one second, and then the next I go back to what I was: feeling like I didn't deserve to be happy. I really hate it. I want to be okay again. This whole thing of switching back and forth just isn't good for me. I've felt like I don't deserve anything anymore. I feel like there is something missing, but I can't say what. I want to be happy.

I guess what I really need to do is to go down to arlington and visit the grave. I haven't done that yet, but I feel like if I go down there and tell him all that's been happening, it'll be like a release.

I really feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I'm about to launch into one of my rediculously long posts (Jerry, if you still read these, applause, I would of fogiven you had you stopped after those terrible rants. Oh, and thanks for reading them.), so I will stop now before I start say inane ramblings and threads of insults direct towards myself.

Uh-oh...

2009-11-19T19:27:00.002-05:00

I'm not too sure about how much of the truth this guy told me...we aren't going out, but somethings don't line up quite right...

...

2009-11-10T09:52:00.002-05:00

If I say his hand doesn't fit right in mine, does anyone know what I mean?

It doesn't feel right. I don't know why. There's too much passion in him for me to provide for. To me, it doesn't feel like we go together perfectly. I just don't know how to tell him that we shouldn't be doing this...

Dear world:

2009-11-10T02:43:00.002-05:00

I am 18 years old, and I just got my first kiss. And yes, it is about 2:30 in the morning. No, I am not drunk. There is this strange feeling going on inside of me. It feels like nerves. I like it.

Love,
Amy

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

2009-11-09T12:37:00.002-05:00

I'm going to Indy in 3 days!!!! I love being in the WCU marching band. I mean, I'm going on a four day trip to indy for free. We are going to be performing at the BOA (Bands Of America) Grand National Championships. Out of all the amazing bands they could have chosen (the Minuteman Marching Band, or a Drum Corps, or such leap directly into my mind), they chose us. We will be performing twice, at the Lucas Oil Stadium (I think), for thousands, even millions, once you count where the videos go. OMG.

I am sooooooooooo excited!!!!

OMG!!

Oh, shit.

2009-11-08T15:45:00.002-05:00

So, I have a potentially BIG problem.

It involves men. (no, I did not get knocked up)

So, there are these three guys, right? And each is cute in his own regard. "Seth" is a junior, really cute, nice, and is terrible at math, just like me. "Marcus" is also a junior, is cute, is shy, and likes video games. "Neil" is tall, funny, and kinda nerdy. All of these these traits each man exhibits are among many things. But here is the problem:

I like them all....And they all like me.

I am not entirely sure what to do. I am thinking of having the friend who introduced me to "Seth" drop some obvious hints that I like him. Yeah, I know: childish. But I'm shy. I don't know. This is confusing. Anyone got any advise?

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of those boys, as well as, should one of them happen to read this, protect the one who says such things. IDK.*

^_^...........-_-

2009-10-31T18:43:00.004-04:00

I finally got my computer back. This makes me infinitely happy. It apparently had a defective hard drive. Go figure.

The only thing is, I no longer have word or any other office products on my laptop. This does not make me infinitely happy. And I don't know where all the crap they backed up went to. Actually, I have no idea what "backed up" means in this regard. How fun.

Computer adventures. How different.

OMG!!

2009-10-14T13:41:00.002-04:00

I got another follower!!!

This is exciting! And half the time I just bitch about stuff!

Why do you guys read the bullshit that I write?

Other than you, megan, who so eloquently explained why. Lurve you!

Oh, man, I'm uber excited. This makes me happy.

Now, jerry, you just need to get a blog so I can partially cyber stalk you!

^_^

to my followers....

2009-10-07T09:32:00.003-04:00

Hey, y'all! First I just want to thank you for paying attention. However, there will never be a quiz. Or will there?...Anywaaaaays...Just 'cuz I'm curious, what made you start to read my blog? What made you follow me, out of all the other million bloggies out there? I would be so appreciative if y'all responded, so I am not going to update until I get three answers, or an answer from each of you. Which is the same thing. Jerry, you count in this too, so if you want to randomly say something, go for it. So that would be four. Well, hope to hear from you, talk to you later, bye!

2009-09-27T09:50:00.001-04:00

I want to go home.

I...

2009-09-27T01:04:00.002-04:00

am sick.

My throat is sore, and I can barely talk. My nose is runny-ish, more along the lines of stuffy. And no, it's not allergies, and NO, IT IS NOT SWINE FLU, dumbass.

Of course, today was a Football game. I thought it would be ok. The day started out good enough (weather wise, that is. The other way, I sprekensie more on later...), being all sorts of sunny, just a little cool, basically good marching weather. So, we get down to the football field, two hours early for a warm-up and slight practice. Then it's pre-game time! Everything went well. We get into the stands, and what happens? It starts to rain. Not down pour, but not a drizzle. Just annoying. So needless to say, it made me misserable. I was already having trouble speaking and my throat felt like it was being ripped apart, and at random moments, I had to breath awkwardly. It sucked. The half time show rocked though.

Now, this morning was not so good in this way: I was nice and stayed over at a friends dorm to help out with her little cousins that were staying with her (ages 6 and 9). The night went well. We went to go see UP (very cute), and they went and got milkshakes at the diner whilst I went and got my stuff. Then we played some card games, and slept. The next morning when we woke up, we got ready to go to breakfast. I had to go back to Tyson to drop off my stuff, and then I met them all back at Lawrence. I went and got a delicious breakfast, as only Lawrence can provide, and sat. A few moments later, I was jumping up, covered in chocolate milk.

Let me say now that I am not much of a kid person. I like them, yes, but only in moderation. That came out wrong, but I don't really know how to say it. But the six-er managed to spill every last drop of chocomilk all over me and the table. AND my brand new corduroy purse, which is one of a kind and brand new, as I said. And when I say "one of a kind" I MEAN "one of a kind". It was hand made from recycled cloth. And I adore it. I got it at a hippy shop down in town. Now, I know this kid is six, and it wasn't like I lost it at him, in fact I remained very calm. But he didn't even appologize! We were all caught up in cleaning up that no one noticed, but still! AND he didn't even help clean up. Again, I know he is six, but....AND THEN, he went on to try to steal MY chocolate milk! This is WAWA chocomilk we are talking about people. Anyway, I had a nice chocomilk stain on my leg, which got all crusty and hard as the day progressed. *sigh*

I don't know why I care about that so much. Meh, i'm kind of tired and I'vve really stopped caring about any thing that has to do whti hthis post so I'm jsut ogin gto post it as is. If you can't ell I
'm not even spell chcikng or deleting or any orthat tshit. I want to slpep. If you need a translation, sk and I will give it tio oyou. Bye! l ove y'all!

I just got told...

2009-09-24T13:27:00.001-04:00

that I was a little black. For real, not even kidding.

I heart you, Shizz. You make me smile to no end. Your just too weird. It's awesome.

I'm pissed...

2009-09-16T04:03:00.003-04:00

...Because my roomate is currently skyping. And, just in case the clock on this thing isn't right, or you don't look at it, it's fucking four in the MORNING. I'm tired. And see, here's how it went down: she comes in, I'm in bed, it's about 2 I'd say, and I'm asleep. And she goes on skype. Doesn't even consider the fact that I'm asleep, I think. She's not really even trying to be quiet. I can tell you now, this is NOT going to work. Rules are being laid down tomorrow, and they will be something along the lines of:
1. NO skyping after 1 in the morning on Sun-thurs, 2 am on Fri/Sat.
2. Lights out at 2 on Sun-thurs, 3 on Fri/Sat.
3. If you come in after light out, be as unobtrusive as possible if the other person is trying to sleep. Meaning, just be quiet. Make very little sound. DO NOT THROW SHIT SUCH AS HEAVY TEXTBOOKS DOWN ON THE GROUND TO MAKE ROOM FOR YOURSELF ON THE BED.
4. If you have a guest that will be staying with you, make sure you clear it with your roomate. YOU'D BETTER FUCKING CLEAR IT WITH YOUR ROOMATE.
5. If you are not good at reading body language, LEARN HOW FUCKING FAST.
6. Your roomate, no matter how tame they seem, can make your life a living hell. Always keep that in mind.
7. When sharing a room with someone, make sure not to put all of your shit on their side, or take up all available counter space.
8. I am not your maid, therefore, I WILL NOT clean up after you. Keep it tidy, because we have to live here. Again, I will not clean up your shit for you. Its you shit, do it yourself.
9. When your roomate has a headache, don't bring 10 very loud people into the room.
10. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. This means that when you have a final or something and actually want to sleep, sucks to be you, because right now, I feel like being a bitch. I will skype the living hell out of you. (any of my lovely friends want to help me with that?).
11. What goes around come the fuck back around. Again, I can and will make your life a living hell, so be nice.

Are these rules so difficult to follow? All I want is to sleep, but I know that if I say anything right now, my roomate is going to be a bitch and get angry. BUT I NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP. I thought we were going to work together on this. I guess not. Fucking only-child syndrome. If you don't know what that is, ask and I'll explain. It doesn't apply to all only-childs. She's still not off, and it's now 4:20 am. TURN THE FUCKING COMPUTER OFF!!! BE CONSIDERATE!!!! YOUR ROOMATE NEEDS TO SLEEP!!!!!! GOD DAMN IT, BE A NICE PERSON AND JUST DO THIS!!!!!!..........I don't think she and I are going to work.........

Details.

2009-09-09T18:44:00.002-04:00

So, I'm into what shall be known as the third week of college. First night here, I thought I wasn't going to make it this far. Now, however, I love it. I feel good walking around campus. It's fun. It's cool. The whole communal shower, roommate, and 60's dorm thing is interesting, but as my mom said, "If that's the worst thing, than you're doing pretty good." I feel good here. Oddly enough, much better than I did at home. I haven't had a classic bad day yet. I know that only three weeks have gone by, but for me that's good. I think it's because I'm around new people, and am making new friends. I feel pretty. I've lost weight. I feel....great. I mean, I miss home and my friends and my family and all that, but this is a good thing for me. I'm getting better at a lot of things.

So I'm here...

2009-08-30T15:34:00.000-04:00

I'm at west chester now. Yay!

CDC...

2009-08-20T14:01:00.001-04:00

3 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CDC...

2009-08-19T07:45:00.001-04:00

4 DAYS!!!!!

C.D...

2009-08-17T07:43:00.000-04:00

6 DAYS!!!!

The count-down continues...

2009-08-16T11:29:00.000-04:00

1 WEEK!!!!

The count-down begins...

2009-08-13T09:17:00.001-04:00

10 DAYS!!!

All I Wanted

2009-08-06T18:28:00.002-04:00

All I wanted was redemption. And you denied me that.

All I wanted was redemption for the things I had done, the things that had so hurt you and others, and the things you didn't know about that would hurt you and others. I'm hurting too many.

I must remember that I am only one person on this tiny, insignificant planet. I am no one. I do not matter. I am only one person. I must remember this.

I must remember that I am not special. I am not talented in any way. I have no gifts. There are better people than me. I must remember this.

I must remember that you are my elder. I need to respect you. I must follow your rules, your ways. I must remember this.

I must remember that my wishes and wants and desires are inconsequential. They do not matter, nor do they need to be fulfilled. I am selfish for wanting so much. I must remember this.

All I wanted was redemption for who I am. For what I have done. And you denied me that.

Bon Appetit!

2009-07-28T08:16:00.001-04:00

I just saw yet another add for that "Julia and Julie" movie. It looks really cute. And I had this wild and crazy thought:

WHAT IF I DID THAT?

Granted, I'm sure many people are doing it. I'm sure the Internet is now flooded with attempted blogs by bored housewives, househusbands, children, and all the others. But still, I want to do it.

I love cooking. I don't plan on making my life out of it, mind you. But I enjoy making a good meal for my family, or my friends, and then sitting down with them and consuming the delicious feast. To me, it's kind of like art in school. In most of your classes, you had little more than a grade to show for what you did in that class. But in art, you could bring home your latest colorful masterpiece, to be displayed forever more, or at least till it caught enough dust, on a wall or the fridge. With cooking, you have that tangible finished product. You can display it to your friends and they can "ooh" and "aah" over your culinary prowess. It's a rewarding thing.

And if I worked my way through the wonderful Julia Child's cookbook, not only can I improve my cooking abilities to beyond pasta dishes and little else, but I can make lovely things, broaden my horizons, and face down frightening cooking ingredients and tools.

So, my darlings, what do you think? Should I do it? Do I have the guts? Would you read all about it if I blogged all about it?

Jesus Christ, I hate this part.

2009-07-16T19:15:00.002-04:00

I don't know who I am anymore. I lost myself somewhere along the way. My self mutilation has started up again. Damn it, I was clean (for lack of better words) for upwards of 3 months. I was on a high, and now I'm plummeting back towards earth again. I fucking hate this. I want to be happy. I don't want to fucking thinking about killing myself, or how others want to hurt me when they are angry, or all that other shit. I FUCKING HATE THIS! This is not who I am! God, there's just so much going on, and so much doubt, and so much fucking shit. I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't give a fuck in hell about anything, and I am losing the battle. What the hell the battle is, I don't know, but there is a war raging inside of me. I just hope that I'm still alive when it's over.

Terribly good things are happening...

2009-07-14T12:45:00.003-04:00

So much is happening. And it's all good. I recently went to Philly with my mum to visit my brother, James, and meet his girlfriend, May. She is so cool! May and I went and got our hair done and our nails done, and gossiped about my brother. James and mum went to the art museum. We met up for lunch in an awesome little Middle Eastern restaurant (the Sahara Bar and Grill, I believe) and then went to Capagiro's, a gellato shop of amazingness. May has a spunky little cat named Bear. All in all, it was a good day.

I'm really excited about going to college as well. I'm really nervous, though. I have a billion simple questions running through my head. Like, what do I take with me on the first day of classes? What if I am late for a class? I'm also kind of worried about the whole roomate thing. I know we're all in the same boat and such, but...I just really hope she and I can find some common ground. And that we have some similar interests. My worst nightmare would be to be roomed with a girl who was completely girly: lacey, pink, you know the drill. I would HATE that. Oh well, I'm supposed to meet all sorts of people at college. It's what I should expect...

Well, I've gotten various supplies, and I have some music. Now we wait. Nervously.

Loling all over...

2009-07-10T11:14:00.003-04:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Omg, this just makes me giggle for no reason. Fave!

OMG!!!!!

2009-07-09T19:54:00.000-04:00

I finally got a bitty bit of marching band stuff! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited! It's just the star spangeled bannerness, the alma mater and the fight song, but still. AND I got band camp info! It's sounds like so much fun! I am soooooooo excited! Can you tell?

I need to write this.

2009-07-01T08:03:00.003-04:00

Among other things, I learned the fight song yesterday...

2009-06-19T07:06:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was orientation at West Chester. A very long day (4:30 in the am, all the way to around 8:30 at night... -_-). It was a good day though. Got to see more of the campus, eat some of the food (they have really good fruit. Watermelon was fantastic. The cupcake I had wasn't too awful, either...this may not bode well, I had hoped to evade the notorious "Freshman 15". Maybe I can do the freshman 5? Hmm...), talk to one of the professors. He was an interesting fellow. We were not to call him professor or anything. He told us to call him "Ward". And just that. He stuttered a lot too, which was a tad bit distracting. And when he spoke, he spoke like this: "NOW, many people are going TO tell you this, BUT I felt THAT I MUST reiterate: YOU will do FINE.". As I said, interesting guy.

I'm really excited to go. It all feels so real now. I'm not just a high school graduate anymore. I'm an incoming first year student. Cool. And I got an awesome sweatshirt. It's the shit, in case you were wondering. Very cool. The entire campus of WCU is great. Really pretty, just the right size, cool old castle-y buildings, and then some modern ones as well. And, there are a lot of really fun things to do on campus. Like one of 233 different groups, not counting any intramurals or clubs or sports (I think that's what they said.). And, they show some good movies in Sykes (the student union) for a dollar. And...well, the town of West Chester is cool. Lots of nifty little one of a kind shops. There's a bookstore that I want to check out call "Armadillo Books". It looked interesting.

The only complaint I have about the whole thing is that we didn't get to see the inside of any of the dorm rooms. That would have been really helpful, since I have no idea what kind of space I have. Buying things to live with is very difficult when you don't know how big your living quarters will be. But that didn't stop me from getting some essentials on the way home. My bed will not be bare, or bland for that matter!

I am soooooooo excited about this. I go up on August 23 or something for band move in. We have band camp the week before classes start, so they just move us in early. I'm nervous, and scared, and happy, and excited, and everything all at the same time. *Takes deep breath in* Here we go!

With all your strength and might
Hey win! (clap)
We can! (clap)
So here we go again!
Hey, rah! rah! rah! rah!
West Chester U!

Wish me luck! well, not for a while, but you know what I mean...

I need a wireless router.

2009-06-12T07:05:00.003-04:00

I recently acquired a laptop. Yay me, I know. I adore it. It's pretty, it works very well, it suits my needs. BUT, like most laptops, you have to go searching for a Internet connection. And last night, I did. There are about 7 separate wireless...uh..."things" floating around my house. It's in the air, I guess. But the greater portion of these require a password. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this. Well, one of the ones that does not require a password is called linksys. One of my friends uses it, and that's what my brother told me to hook up to. So I did. It only had one bar, but, hell, I was sitting in my room, at my desk, about as far away from the home computer as possible, and I was on the Internet! I am not tech-savvy, so I was rather tickled with myself. I became even happier when I managed to download Mozilla/Firefox, and a few components of that. Then I remembered I had wanted to go and get my ipod all set up again. Besides, I had a few gift cards to use, and there were multiple songs in my sights. So, I went to itunes.

When I arrived, I quickly found the download button, and was quick to follow the directions, and soon it was downloading. And I was happy. I had managed to do that simply by watching my brother attempt it previously, and figuring it out on my own. As I sat there, I noticed the time for the download to take rising. It was at four minutes. I thought "oh, its a poor connection, that's only expected". Haha, was I wrong. I walked away for a moment, and when I came back, what did it say? 3 (fucking) hours and 10 (fucking) minutes. I sat there and thought about what to do. I really wished my powers of deduction were amazing, or I had mad hacker skills, as to leech onto one of the connections that had 3 or 4 bars. I tried to figure out the NETGEAR one, almost thought I had it, then I tried STECKHOME, then KOMORI, and finally I gave up. By the time I was done, the time had gone up to 3 hrs and 20 min. So I thought, "You know what, I'll just save it till tomorrow, it's 9 at night anyways, and I want to sleep. Jamie has said in the past that he can get a pretty good connection in the space by his window. I try that tomorrow." So I canceled the download, turned off the computer, showered, pajamafied, and went to bed. 1/2 an hour later, I got up, unplugged said laptop, as it looked rather stormy and lightningish outside. Didn't want to hurt my baby.

This morning, I got up, and had a fresh burst of hope for my interneting needs. I picked up the laptop, plugged it in to the plug near the good spot, and turned it on. And what, just as I probably deserved, did I get when I hit the little button? NO SIGNALS. I tried again. WINDOWS CANNOT FIND ANY ACCESS POINTS. I nearly tore my hair out. I went back into my room. Plugged it into my wall. Tried again. WINDOWS CANNOT FIND ANY ACCESS POINTS. So here I am, really wishing my mom hadn't thrown out our old wireless router. Because if she hadn't, I would be downloading itunes right now, or actually on the Internet, on my computer. BTW, I am, almost ironically, writing this on the home computer. *Sigh*...

Fact: That's a fact!

2009-06-10T09:18:00.003-04:00

FACT: I have seen a guy who looks like Edward Cullen. And he wasn't Robert Pattinson (or whatever the hell his name is). He went to my school. He had the hair, the eyes. My god, he was pretty!

FACT: I personally think that Keith should have won on "Any Dream Will Do."

FACT: I epically <3 "Top Gear"!!

FACT: I have been know to be a little perverted. But who isn't. Besides, that's not a bad thing...

FACT: I could be considered a Nintendo girl. I own a DS, a Gamecube, and various other incarnations. I prefer that platform anyways.

FACT: I have a strange attraction to stationary/journals. IDK, I think they're pretty. And they make me happy. Perfect gift for me!

FACT: Quickest way to my heart? Be sweet. I had a friend who almost every day would tell me I looked nice, I looked pretty, ect. He would say it only once, and it would be just in passing. But you know what? That would make me feel absolutely amazing. I am an absolute sucker for sweet guys. It's like my kryptonite, I guess. Chivalry is not dead! It's just widely unused. Also (kind of obviously), be nice. Y'know, listen, be kind, sympathetic, ect. But I love sweet guys. Thy make me smile (haha, both literally and figuratively). Personality first, looks second, or even third, for me.

FACT: I love, Love, LOVE odd things. My room is filled with unique things (a Venetian mask, multiple jars from god knows where, quirky, uh, "home accessories"...). I don't have conversation pieces in my room, the room itself is a conversation. It's awesome.

FACT: I am constantly making up stories. Not lying, mind you, but in my head. Fiction, fairy tales, whatevers. In a sense, really, I'm a hopeless romantic. It's a sad existence.

FACT: I have the best brother in the world. Unfortunately, I just realized that last summer. More on that later. That's a whole post in itself!

FACT: I have self image issues.

FACT: I was, am, and potentially always will be, suicidal. Read previous posts (mostly this year) for more on that. I don't really feel like visiting that place again. Nor does Jerry, I'm sure. Am I correct in assuming that, darling? I never really said so, but I really appreciate the fact that you were there helping. It reeeeeeeeeeally helped, more than you can know.

FACT: I've run out of facts. Maybe I will start randomly putting one of these at the bottom of posts. That'll be fun. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Probably not every one, but they will be sprinkled liberally throughout the way.

Cheers!!

Here's to the Night...

2009-06-05T07:35:00.007-04:00

This is me and my brother....It's probably my favorite photo.

Graduation was last night. I don't know if anyone else experienced this, but to me, it went really fast. We got there about 5:45, as we had to actually get the robes on, make sure all two hundred ninety something of us where there, get our flowers, and line up. Funny thing, the guy I stood behind, he's really nice, but I never talked to him, and I missed out on a cool person. Shit. It's funny how you find these things out seconds before it's too late, like fate is laughing at you, and saying something about how you should have kept your head up and eyes open and whatever. Anyways, we stood there for ever, the nerves building. And then it started. We did the whole procession thing into the auditorium (unfortunately, graduation is normally in the stadium, however, it was kind of raining. Like, pouring raining. Yeah.), with the "Pomp and Circumstance" song playing. Another funny thing. I have a tendency to, when people are looking at me, or the group I am in, to either blush really badly, or smile like an idiot. I can never keep a straight face. Fail. When we finally got up to the stage, we did the pledge of allegiance. And my brother (who graduated 4 years ago) made a funny observation later on: We sounded like a cult. Meaning, when we said the Pledge, we said it in perfect unison. Which is creepy, as there were probably about 1000 people in the room. Most likely more.

If you really think about it, it is reeeeeeeeeally creepy. As Americans, that is the only thing we say together in unison. I mean, we don't even sing the National Anthem really well. There's usually an echo, or someone goes early. But the pledge? It's always in the exact same rhythm, same tone, same volume. And it's kind of scary if you are there to see it.

Anyways, after that, the choir did the Alma Mater (which I think none of us had ever heard before.). Then the speeches began. They were good. Mr. Sheffer gave a really good speech, as it was different and a little bit informal. And he sang a modified version of his birthday song (happy graduation to you, happy graduation to you, happy graduation dear seniors, happy graduation to you...1, 2, 3, 4...HUH!). And then the moment began. We walked across the stage, our names were called, random people cheered (Mi madre, y mi hermano cheered for me), we walked across the stage some more, shook the hand of some lady we had never even seen before, and returned to our seats. And then it happened. The coolest, most frightening, and saddest words ever: By the power invested in me but the state of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you...Graduates. And the caps flew, the silly string rained from the sky (we were very eficiant in getting it out. Maybe well prepared would be better.), tears were shed, hugs and kisses given out in great plenty, and then we walked out all nice and neat. And it was over. It happened sooo fast.

And now. I did this for the senior friends who graduated last year, and now I do it again. Most of them will never read it, but who cares?

Elfie: To you I owe an apology. When I first saw you, not met you, but saw you, I thought you and I would never ever get along. You seemed loud and annoying and, well, not who you are. Well, you are loud, but anyways. So for that, darling, I am sorry. You are a wonderful friend, and I am truly going to miss you. It was a good thing you were in my graphics class. Otherwise, I would have been deprived of a good person. And there are so few of them in this world. Anyways, keep on doing what you do when you did what you did to me, 'cuz it was a good thing: being a friend. I hope you eventually get to AI with Irene ( even though I won't be there :( ), and I hope all you do is successful. It's rather cliched, but never change. Really, never change. Do you have what problem with that?

Irene: How's my favorite Mexican today? Irene, my love, I will see you in hell. Hah, not really. You're too cute. I'll see you on Deviantart, as well as in various roleplays, and if you have a facebook, there as well. I wish you only luck in all you do, especially with you graphic design/photography stuff. Elfie will join you at AI soon enough. I will have to entice you out to west chester with the promise of going to king of prussia mall. Or just 'cuz I'm awesome. You're a cool chick, so never change. Keep being oddly interesting, and keep me updated on which roleplays you're in. I still really think you should start one on you own. It'd be cool. You could call it something like: "Irene: The Roleplay", and it could be all about your life. Or something. Anyways, good luck with that, and keep being cool.

Shanna: I hope Johns the one for you. You've had pretty shit luck in the boyfriend department. Keep being artsy and oddly Gothic. It's a good look for you.

Josh: CHEEZE-IT!!!!! Wow, we've been in this since forth grade, and now we're done. Cool. Keep up with that band, and make good on your promise to send me a demo. I will be in the crowd when you make it big, promise. I'll be the one with the box of cheeze-its. GET YOU OWN BOX!!!

I think that's really all I have to say. Well, to the rest of you seniors of '09, if you just so happen to stumble across this (and this isn't limited to the NOHS seniors), good luck. It's been a long, tough ride, but I think it was worth it. Keep being who you are, and do what you love, love what you do. It's a surefire way to be happy. At least for a little while. Thank you to you all. Once more, good luck, you'll need it. It's a big world out there, and if you don't kick your feet, you never know where you are going to be swept off to (I did that without the book, dunno how close I got...). Good bye. Maybe I'll see you later.

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all to well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrows gone and come too soon

Graduation...

2009-06-04T13:50:00.002-04:00

Today is graduation. And I'm nervous, scared, excited, sad, and mixed up. I mean, wow. I'm starting a new chapter of my life. It'll be cool, big, scary, among other things. Plus, I haven't even really sent out my grad announcements yet. It took me forever to make them....But anyways. This is just sooooo nerve racking. Is it supposed to be like this?

Mass Complaint Alert!!!!!!!!

2009-06-02T08:54:00.002-04:00

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF COMPLAINING. SO MUCH, IN FACT, THAT IT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ILLEGAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!!!!!!

So, if you are still reading this, good luck on not tearing your hair out, and then proceeding to scream obscenities for hours on end at me. Yeah, it's going to be that bad.

So, first order of business: I am single. Yeah, I'm back to this. But see this time, I am sick and tired of it. A few days ago, I heard the oddest noise ever. It sounded something like that noise a glass makes when you drop it on a stone tile floor and it bursts into a million splinters of deadly light (hows that for a metaphor?). A short while later, I realized what that sound was: My heart breaking. FOR THE FORTH TIME. Now I know what you are going to be saying at this point: You have no idea what it feels like to have your heart broken, to have it crushed by someone, to watch it fall to the ground and break and then get stepped on. In short, YOU DON'T KNOW. My darlings, oh yes I do. There are different versions of heartbreak. One of many is the bystander heart break. This occurs when you have feelings for a friend or a stranger that you do have a chance of getting together with (you don't talk, hang out, or really even make eye contact), and you two flirt back and forth, and maybe even admit that you like each other it that way. But then something happens. He already has a girlfriend, he moves, you never even talk to him, or you see him with another girl. That is what happened to me. And I was crushed. Was it that I just set myself up for failure? Now, once more, I know what you are going to say. IT'S NOT WORTH IT IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU ARE DOING PERFECTLY FINE SINGLE, IT JUST MAKES LIFE COMPLICATED, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... I'm sorry but, I have semi low self confidence, and this just makes it worse. I have spent all 18 years of my existence single. Well, I did have a boyfriend it 6th grade, but that doesn't really count. And see, I am tired of it. I'm tired of seeing a guy that I like with his arms wrapped around some other girl. I'm tired of not having anything to do, no place to be. Sometimes I really do feel like I have no place to be. I want to fit into someones arms. I know all of this sounds silly, and I know I am kind of repeating myself, but really. I just need to spew all this crap, just get it out somewhere. And I am running out of time until college. I'm really hoping my relationship status will change in college. I'm not desperate, mind you, I am just tired.

That reminds me, I am actually tired. Like, physically tired. Grad practice sucks. Yeah. I have a plan to lose 30 pounds by Band Camp. I think that is an achievable goal. 10-15 pounds a month. I really want/need to do this. I am fat. Overweight. Not just by my standards, but by the doctors standards too. I have made excuses too long. I have put it off too long. I need to do this. I really think it will help my self-confidence. I think I will see myself in a better light. This is important.

You know, I guess this wasn't as much of a complaint-fest as I thought it would be. Sorry, though, to burden your mind/ears/soul/heart with all this trivial crap. Bye.

...

2009-05-05T07:08:00.001-04:00

"Are you okay?"
"No."
"What's up?"
"I seem to have stopped really feeling anything... What happens when you stop feeling?"
"Well...you stop wanting."
"And when you stop wanting?"
"You stop needing."
"And when you stop needing?"
"..."
"What happens when you stop needing?"
"...You stop breathing..."
"Oh..."

*Sigh*...sorry, just me bitching about bullshit and drama and depression and whatever. Life sucks. I just need to get over it. Blah, Blah, Blah, bitch, bitch, bitch. Done, ending thought. Post ending thought with rehtorical question. Done.

*Sighs again* Whatever. It's all the normal shit. I don't even know why I bother posting. It's not like a ton of people read this. It's not like it's getting out all over the world. It's not like it matters. It's just a waste of cyperspace. Some one with real problems, or a real story, or whatever could put this little thing to more use than me. No body wants to hear some chick bitch and moan about how she hates this and that. It's pointless. Whatever.

...It's all the same, so why does it feel different? Oh, I really don't care. I do the same thing in every single god damn post. I start with some creative-ish opening statement, then continue on to bitch and moan and complain about some fucking trivial little shitty thing that happened, then I close with yet another creative-ish statement. And it's all the same. And now I'm done.

'allo, 'allo!

2009-04-14T07:53:00.000-04:00

So, yeah, hi. I feel like it's been a while. I don't really know whats going on. Seriously, I don't know whats going on in my head. It's weird. I can't really tell what I am thinking anymore. I am happy that I only have 6 more weeks of the bullshit world they call high school. Very happy about that. I am going to be going to West Chester University, and I am happy about that. College will be a new page in my story. And I want to leave my past behind. I hate my past. It's bloody, angry, sad, hateful, and terrible. I want to start over again. This thing called life is really very difficult, much more difficult than it really should be. And I am getting sick and tired of that. I am hoping all will go well at college. I am hoping that all will turn out okay. I want things to be okay. I hate not being okay.

It sounds really silly, but I hope I find a good guy at college. I really do. And when I say good, I don't mean good looking (although that would be nice, and remember, my definition of good looking is different than yours), but is kind and cares and is, well, good for me. Like vitamin pills. Or chocolate. mmmm... chocolate. Oh, sorry. I am so distracted today. I am very tired. Very tired. I am starting to see so many things so much more clearly. I am starting to really dislike a family member of mine. Not an immediate family, but an aunt. Anyways, more on that story later.

So, yeah. Hey. Good day, morning, and night. Sweet dreams, and have a lovely day.

Sinking back in...

2009-04-07T08:35:00.000-04:00

This isn't good. I'm sinking back in to the place I was at before. I don't know how to keep myself from going that far again. But I keep on having negative revelations, such as:

1) I am selfish
2) Due to the fact that I am selfish, I am a materialistic bitch
3) Due to the fact that I am a materialistic bitch, I am only happy when I (a) get my way, or (b) get some stupid thing.

These revelations don't make me happy. I don't want to be selfish, but I am. God, my head is fucked up. All these thoughts keep going around my head, and I can't stop them. I think I am honestly going insane. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt myself, I don't want to hurt the people around me, and I don't want to hurt those I love. I don't know what to do. And it hurts.

I think the thing that hurts the most is the fact that I get angry at nothing, and then it turns on me, and then I am angry at myself, and then I start crying, and then I feel like an idiot, which in turn gets me angry again. It's a vicious cycle. And I don't know how to stop it. There are so many things that I don't know. And myself is one of them.

I don't know what to do, and it hurts. I think I'm falling apart.

What to do? What to do?

2009-03-24T07:35:00.001-04:00

pitty the ladies in waiting... Sorry, musical crap going through my head...

So, I am a little better than before. But I have problem. A mundane problem yes, but a problem none the less.

Problem: I don't know if I want to go to prom.

So, I am reasoning myself out of going.
-I don't really want to spend 150 dollars on a dress that I will only wear once, while at the same time, running the risk of on the day of prom feeling the way I have for the past 2 or so weeks, therefore not feeling pretty in a gorgeous dress.

-I also don't really want to spend the money on a ticket for a night that I will most likely not remember 5-ish years from now.

-And prom is for the couples. I am not a part of a couple. Meaning I am single. Prom for singles generally sucks. Trust me, I went last year single, so I know. Not too much fun.

-And that is also my final(ish) reason: I went last year. It's gonna be the same thing again.

I know that prom is a once a life thing, and you only get to dress up like a princess a few times in your life, blah, blah, blah. But... I just don't want to deal with it. I have better things to spend my money on. Besides, if you have read my other posts, you know how I feel about myself. That factors in too.

The bottom line is that I don't really want to go. Or maybe it's I don't need to go? Or maybe I feel I don't deserve to go? I'm not really sure. I can't really tell with myself right now. I keep telling myself that it's that I don't want to go. Is it really? I just don't know anymore. But in order to keep myself sane, I will go with that.

I don't want to go.

I guess...

Still not good...

2009-03-13T07:25:00.000-04:00

I'm still not in a good place. Too much is happening too fast. I can't keep up with any of the changes that have been made. I can't keep up with anything. I'm starting to hate some of my friends. One in particular, and I'm really sorry to her for this. I just am seeing things alot differently now. I don't know why or when I put on or took off the glasses. I just saw her as everything I hate one day. It was terrible. One day, she was one of my best friends, the next, I pretty much hated her for exactly who she was, because who she is seems to be everything I hate. I really wish I didn't feel this way. I mean, she is... was a good friend, but now... I just don't know. She's everything I hate: demanding of her boyfriend, selfish, totally self-centered, fustrating, and just completely....everything I hate. I don't want to hate her. We've been friends for some time, and to just stop is out of the question. I just can't stand being around her.

I'm still not in a good place. My weight hasn't changed. I am unhappy about that. I know its stupid and insignificant to be so unhappy about a thing so completely image related, but how would you like to look in the mirror everyday and hate everything about what you see? Sometimes, I wish I could smash the mirrors in my house. I don't want to see the broken and ugly face staring longingly back at me. Because I can't do anything to fix it, or make it pretty, or give it what it wants. Because I don't know what it wants. I don't know what to do. I...I need to go away and just not do anything. Let myself repair itself. Let my skin become less tear-stained, let my arms scar over, and let my mind clear.

I'm still not in a good place. My school life is shit. I hate school. I wish I didn't have to go. But my mother...oh, I don't want to talk about it right now. She doesn't understand. I'm sure she thinks I have no stressors, nothing on my brain, nothing to worry about, or at least very little, but she doesn't have to live with an all consuming self hate. She doesn't have to wake up everymorning wondering how many times she will have to change her outfit before she feels good in some shitty, misfitted, grey sweatshirt, because thats the only thing that she looks good in. She doesn't have to go through the day worrying what others are thinking of her. She doesn't have to walk around, praying that no one is talking about her. And then, she doesn't have to worry about what her grades, GPA, and whatever other bullshit numbers there are, look like. AND she doesn't have to worry about pleasing her mother. She doesn't have a mother that you can't tell if she is actually listening, or is just standing there, nodding and pretending to care. She doesn't have a mother who sometimes just walkes away from her suicidal and self mutilating daughter, in a sad attempt to get rid of the problem. She doesn't have a mother who doesn't say things like "Do you want some help?" or "What's wrong?". She doesn't have a mother who just sits there in the fucking car, right next to her suicidal and self-mutilating daughter, and doesn't say anything. She doesn't have a mother that seems to want to just sweep the problem under the rug. Sometimes, it seems like she does just simply sweep the problem that is me under the rug, not wanting to think about it, hoping that it's just a phase I'm going through (it's not), thinking that I am just going to one day wake up and feel some new love for myself. But what if? What will she do if the problem doesn't go away? What will she do if the problem comes roaring back, tearing up anything and everything in the way? She regretted not seeing it before, so why is she putting the blinders on? I understand if she has a lot on her mind, but so much she can't see me?

I really shouldn't have said that last part. My mom has a ton on her mind. She already has way to much to think about. I shouldn't be so selfish and worry her like this. Maybe it's for the best if she doesn't see the real me. It probably is for the best.

I'm still not in a good place. I can't tell if I am in a better spot than before. Maybe I will just slide back into a spot that looks happy and okay. I really wish that I didn't feel this way. I want to be happy. I hate living this half life.

I really hate.

2009-03-04T07:11:00.000-05:00

I really hate this life. I seem to have lost the ability to feel pretty. Honestly, I don't feel all sparkly and lovely any more, no matter how hard I try. I just feel like the fat girl trying to be thin and failing miserably at it. I need to lose weight. I need to make a lot of changes in my life. But with that list growing bigger by the day, where do I start? Maybe I should just give up and live with the thing that is me. I don't want to do that. I want to be pretty again. I can't. I want to feel happy again. I don't. I want to feel wanted again. I'm not. I just want this life to end. I don't want to continue to be unhappy. I just can't find much to be happy about anymore. I guess I should be happy for all the things I have and such, but... I just can't find joy in the little things. I'm such a materialistic bitch. And please, anyone who reads this, know a few things: (1) I am not suicidal, so to speak. I have been suicidal for the past 3 or 4 years, but I have not acted upon it. At least, not much. My guidance councilor knows, so please, don't be giving me phone numbers and shit. I don't give a fuck in hell about what other people could do for me. I don't go for that crap. (2) Clearly, if I have been suicidal for the past 3 or 4 years, I have not been really okay for quite some time. For 4 years this past February 16th, to be exact. I'm kind of stable, just not unbreakable. I can't take much anymore. Little things set me off. People, for one, are one of the main reasons for my sudden mood swings. (3) Anyone who knows me knows that I don't talk easily. If I want to talk to you, sure, yeah, I will. If I don't, then I won't. And if I won't, nothing in the world, except maybe time, will make me talk. And if you keep on saying stuff like "You can always talk to me, I know where you are coming from, blah, blah, blah" I will most certainly not talk to you.

Y'know, I really hate it when people say "I know where you're coming from". I know they are telling you that they know what you are going through, but to me, it almost sounds belittling. Like they are making your problems sound smaller than theirs, or more common, or less painful. Like they are nothing. I hate it when people try to top your problems with one of their own. The only reason I tell people I have a problem is not because I want help, not because I want someone to say that they relate to me, no, but because I just want to say it out loud. I just want those words to float in the air, then fall crashing to the ground to disappear in a million little sparkly shatters. I don't need feedback on my problems. I just want someone to nod, say "uh-huh, really, wow" and such at all the right places, but still listen. I don't talk to my mom about these things because (stupid as it may sound) I don't want to worry her. She already has a ton on her mind. I don't want to be more selfish than I already am. And I am really selfish. Ridiculously so.

I hope I can sort out my life to some sort of semblance to the world I lived in and liked before things changed. I really want to be happy, but I guess that I feel that happiness is such a fleeting emotion that I don't really even try to keep it anymore. Oh, well. Maybe it's for the best that I fade back into the corner, into the dark...

I am a classic case of nothing. I sit in the corner and lie in the darkness and I fill the spaces between things. I am nothing. I mean nothing and I wish that I took nothing. I just want to fade into the world behind this one, the one no one sees.

I'm sorry.

2009-02-23T08:59:00.000-05:00

To: She who is and always will be
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I get sick. I'm sorry I am not perfect. I'm sorry that I am more trouble than it's potentially worth. I'm sorry I'm not like you. I'm sorry that I am human. I'm sorry I'm sad. I'm sorry I'm depressed. I'm sorry I'm self-destructive. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I'm sorry for all of my seemingly unfounded tears. I'm sorry for all the smiles I had to fake. I'm sorry for all of the shouts and screams I've aimed at you. I'm sorry for all of agony. I'm sorry for all the misunderstandings. I'm sorry for all the tension. I'm sorry for all the bullshit. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I'm sorry for all the silence. I'm sorry for all the mystery. I'm sorry for all the darkness. I'm sorry for all the lies. I'm sorry for every last drop of life I have sapped from you, due to my unyielding idiocy. I'm sorry I can't see anything but horror in the mirror. I'm sorry for all the times you had to ask more and more questions, only to get no answers. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry.

Its been a while...

2009-01-26T15:50:00.001-05:00

Some days, it all just doesn't seem worth it. These days, I've been finding that out slowly but surely. I am too tired to just be sleep deprived, too bored to be unchallenged, and too sad to be depressed. I think what I have is something I will call "a touch of the death." Now, for those of you who become concerned at the slightest mention of death, please, fear not, I am mostly past that stage of life. By mostly, mean that I am not going to go that far any more. What I mean by "a touch of the death" is that I am bored with life I think. Only material things excite me anymore. I don't look out the window and see the world. I see flowers, grass, trees, sky, ECT, but I don't see it. Basically, I see the WORLD, but I don't SEE the world. It just holds no place in my heart. I need a change of… something. What, I am not exactly sure, but something is needed. Maybe I need to fall in love… huh, well, that may just complicate things, and may not help at all. What to do, what to do…

Unfortunately, you see, love is confusing. The world presents you with someone who you find you will infinitely adore, and, in my case, will infinitely adore you. However, as was in my case, that one person will be unattainable, due to some ridiculous roadblock. And when I say ridiculous, I mean ridiculous. Perfectly reasonable, it was, yes, but I found it completely unfair that the world should bring me to this person, and then I was unable to be with him…

Oh, dear, I just realized how much I was rambling on and on. I guess that is what these blog things are for though…. My saga/fairytale/legend/story shall continue!!!!

So... band is over...what do I do now?

2008-11-12T09:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the band season ended this past saturday. We placed 2nd out of 9 bands at championships. it was cool. but now that band is over, and I mean over, as in, I am graduating, and this was the last time I get to wear the uniform, what do I do? The whole thing kind of just dropped off. It just stopped. Four years...four years of my life I devoted to this thing, and just like that its done. It sort of made me realize how close I am to real life, to the real world. It's kind of scary. I sort of like the structured, nearly predictable life of high school. I could do without the drama, but right now, this is okay. I often think that I don't really want to go into the big wide dangerous world. I'm sure that as soon as I get out there, I'll like it, but right now, it looks too big for one person. Too big to face alone. I mean, its not like I am just jumping into the world, I'm going to college, but I will be still out there, only protected a slight bit. I almost don't know what to do...

Band, Band, and uh... oh, More Band!

2008-08-13T07:32:00.000-04:00

My life has been completely consumed by band related stuff these past few weeks. First was drum major camp, which had to be the most amazing experience of my life thus far. So many cool people, all there because they wanted to be. I learned so many things. I got more confident, too! My squad was a cool group of people. All very nice people. I would go back in a heartbeat! It really makes me wish that had done drum major the year before. Then, the very next week, I had band camp! Woohoo!! Oh my god, that was the longest week in my life. I was already dragging from DMA, and now I had to go for 5 12-hour days straight! I was on my feet most of that time! It was so fustrating too. I felt like I wasn't doing any thing right! Oh, well, I guess thats the life of a drum major... More on the drum majoring later!

From My mind

2008-07-23T14:25:00.000-04:00

Lately, I just have been so busy. I haven't really stopped and looked around me. I haven't really taken the time to just... be. I feel like I have to be constantly doing something. I also feel like I haven't really taken enough risks. I recently came across a quote that goes something like this:
Life isn't a journey with the purpose of arriving at the grave safely, in a pretty and well preserved body, but to skid in broadside, loudly exclaiming, "Damn! That was one Hell of a ride!"
This quote has got me thinking: I haven't exactly done a lot of the things I want to do. I know I am young, and I have my life ahead of me, and all that other stuff, but I just have been thinking about it. I mean, what sort of amazing opportunities have I missed, just by not putting myself out there, or going for it, or whatever?

Amazing Quoteish things

2008-06-15T13:02:00.000-04:00

These I found on another blog, by Kae Squared, I believe. They were just so nifty, I had to post them. Thanks Kae!
- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

Follow the Trail!!

2008-06-07T16:14:00.000-04:00

hey folks, y'all have to go to this link, tis nifty. http://caelums.myminicity.com
all will be explained when you get there. No you are not signing up for anything, it just is really cute! Do a little clicky on the links off to the side, under the title "follow the trail!!! trails.
thanks for helping my little people!!

My dearest senior friends...

2008-06-05T20:14:00.000-04:00

This one goes to all my wonderful senior friends who are graduating this year. Thank you. You guys are seriously amazing.
J.W: you are one cool kid, dear, and I hope you go on to do amazing things. You are one of the nicest guys I have ever met, and I hope to see you again in the future.
S.P: Chica, you are one of my best friends. If I had never met you, darling, I don't really know who I would be today. You are really a princess, don't ever forget that. You are a very sweet girl, and I hope that every guy you ever meet sees that.
Last, but not least, A.H: Wow. Sir, you are just so... wow. I want to specifically thank you for telling me that I looked nice almost everyday during psychology, even on the days where I really did not look too fab. Whoever gets to marry you will be a very lucky girl. I think that really says it all.

Shakespeare was fun with all of you, and I will never forget it. Oh, jesus. I'm crying now. Damn... You all are amazing friends, in your own ways. I will seriously miss you guys. I send you all of my best wishes, hopes, and dreams. Follow your dreams, and don't be afraid of wishing on stars. Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not often, but every now and again, they do. This is me saying to all of you: Good luck in life, and remember all of those you left behind. Remeber, some friends look at you, but the best ones look with you. Oh, I am just rambling now. good bye...

Guess What??!!??

2008-05-16T14:30:00.000-04:00

I GOT DRUM MAJOR!!!!!!!!!
Horray!! Oh, My, God!!! I wasn't really expecting it, so it made it all the more sweeter!! I am so excited about going to drum major camp, and learning all the things I need to learn, and to be leading the band! Oh wow. I can't wait to get started. I am not the only drum major, too. Another girl got it. I am perfectly fine with that. I am just so happy I got it. This is a whole new experience for me. I can't wait for everything to get rolling. I hope I do good! :)

Today

2008-04-22T12:39:00.000-04:00

Today is not a good day. It's not that anything particularly bad has happened, it is just not a good day. Early today, down by the band room, people were rude. I am trying out for drum major, as are about 4 other people. They just randomly started talking about how they hoped someone else, named here as B, would get drum major. Well, me being sensitive, took that offensively. I didn't say anything, but still, it hurt my feelings. I mean, you don't say that you hope one friend gets something that another friend, whom is standing there, is also trying for. I don't know, it just really hurt my feelings. It also brought me down for the rest of the day. It was probably a stupid thing to get upset at, but I did. This day just is not going so well.

Singledom

2008-04-21T12:49:00.000-04:00

I am single. I will admit it. Most of the time, I am okay with this. I don't mind being single. Well, I didn't mind. Now I do. I don't really like it. It seems like most of my friends are apart of a relationship, serious or no. I really want a boyfriend. I know that high school relationships are really not worth it most of the time, but still, I want to be apart of one. I'm not lonely or bored or whatever, its just that I want to try it. Being single in high school really sucks. Prom wasnt cool for that reason. The slow dances. The dj did not know how to mix the music up, so there was like four slow songs right in a row. If you were single when you went to prom, you know how it feels to be sitting out, watching everone else with the person who matters to them. It really is not fun. One song is okay, but four? After a while you begin to feel kind of out of place.

Prom

2008-04-19T19:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, so prom was yesterday. I don't know, I guess it was kinda fun. To me it was a lot like a glorified homecoming. The slow dances sucked. I think prom is one of those things you have to have a date to, otherwise it is fairly awkward. I mean, I am not much of a dancer. I like to dance, I am just not too good at it. Well, all I know is that if I plan on going next year, I am definitely going to have a date. No more awkward turtles, thank you very much!!
Other than the whole date thing, though, it was fun-ish. The music was okay, the food was okay, nothing bad happened. What I suggest to all who are reading this is that you go at least one time. So what if it sucked massive balls? At least you went!!! That is one of the things that was good about going. Now I will not regret not going. I may regret going, but not not going!!

The Chairs

2008-04-10T11:15:00.000-04:00

As I have stated before, I am in band. I play flute, and I sit fifth chair. That means I am the fifth best flute. I am extremely proud of myself for getting this position. That is the best I have ever done, as far as I can remember. But, I do have a few complaints about the girl who sits first chair. Obviously, she is supposed to be the best flute. I personally do not think that she is. She is very rude, she doesn't even care, and she does stupid things at times. Like this one time, there was a HUGE solo, and when I say solo, I mean for a good portion of it, she is the only person playing in the whole band. Alright, one time the solo came up, and she started to play, but not even two notes in, she just stops. and puts her flute down. in the middle of the song. fortunatly it was a practice, but still. and then, she asked the band director if she had to play it. And she sits first chair. yeah, um, sweetie? You sorta have to play it. You are first flute. You get the solo. It is a solo. Oh, she just really makes me mad! She seems to not even care. I don't know why she is sitting first chair. I don't know....

Band

2008-03-31T10:36:00.000-04:00

I am in band. I play the flute, and I sit 5th chair. That is pretty good, I think. I am also going to be trying for drum major next marching season. A big leap for me, being as I am very shy. I am so excited for it though!! I mean, I have been doing marching band for 3 years, and I think it is finally time for me to shine!! Hooray!!! I am actually real nervous about trying out. I think about 7 other people are trying out, so I will have some competition. Good. Last year, there was no competition for me. I tried out for flute section leader, and no one else tried out.

The War

2008-03-25T15:22:00.000-04:00

Okay, here we go. This is my first post that contains slightly controversial info. I don't agree with the war. I'll just go ahead and say it. Probably because I don't watch the news enough, but I do not understand why we are still there. It just makes me so sad to know that 4000 young men and women have died there. Most of them barely got out of college, I believe. That is just ridiculous, I think. Now, don't go and say I am unpatriotic and such. My dad was in the Navy for 20 some odd years. I hold respect for those people. One of my friends is going into the Air Force. I just think it is such a waste of life at this point. If you really think about it, many of the soldiers that have died are still just kids. Not much older than I am, and I have not seen much of the world!! These kids gave their lives willingly-ish, I know, but they didn't get to do a whole lot of things. They didn't get to get married, have kids, all that stuff. And the ones who have died that had families... I know what it is like to lose a parent. My dad died a few years ago. It hurts in a place that rarely gets hurt. And it never stops hurting. I'm sorry, but... lets just say that if I was in charge, this may have never have happened, at least not a this scale. So many lives... 4000 lives... I think that is too big a number, personally, for this sort of thing. This is just my opinion, take it or leave it.

Prom

2008-03-24T11:33:00.000-04:00

Okay, it is a few weeks till prom!! woohoo!! And this morning I had my first prom dream. You know, the one where you wake up the morning of prom, and there is something horribly wrong with you, mentally or physically? Yeah, I had one of those ones. In my dream, I woke up the morning of prom, feeling absolutely great. I walked into the bathroom, and lo and behold: the zit from hell, right in the middle of my face. When I say zit from hell, mean a zit that looks more like a cancerous tumor. To add insult to injury, it was BRIGHT PURPLE. Yeah, gross and unhidable. Plus, one of my eyebrows was heading for unibrowdom, but the other one was nonexsitant. Great look going that day. Then very suddenly I was in my high school. That was when I woke up. Great way to get excited for prom day!! Now I am going to be all sorts of paranoid that I will really wake up like that on the day of prom. Great... that kind of sucks the fun out of it...

Growing Up

2008-03-23T14:40:00.000-04:00

Alright, I am a junior in high school. That is pretty big-ish in my mind. I've almost graduated from high school!! I am kind of scared to go out into the real world. It's a pretty big place, last time I checked. I suppose that is what college is for, correct? A word about college. It seems to me that my mother is pushing me to go to a certain college in virginia. Well, maybe pushing isn't the right word. How about dropping hints that she wants me to go there? Yes, thats it!! But, anyway, I don't really want to go there. Aren't I the one who is going to school there? Shouldn't I be happy with where I am going. I mean, I am terribly sorry if she doesn't really want to spend the rest of her days in new hampshire (the location of the school that I really like), but she lived in connecticut for about 6 years! and Loved it!!! Oh, well... I probably won't go to the NH school. I will continue my search...

Hello, hello, hello!!!

2008-03-22T19:17:00.000-04:00

Well. My first ever blog. Cool. Well, hi!!! Hope you all like this blog. I am trying my hardest. Okay, now as this is a blog which (I hope) anyone can comment on, let me set down a few ground rules. Number 1: Anyone can speak their mind here, as long as they don't uberly offend anyone. I am the only one who can say whatever the hell I want to. It's MY blog. I promise I will not insult anyone too much though. Number 2: Everyone has their own opinions. Lets leave it at that. Please do not get all up in arms if I say something you don't particularly agree with, okay? Thanks. Number 3:... Um... Well that is actually it. There are only 2 rules. Please follow them as closely as you can though. Much appriciated!!
Now, about me. My signing name on this thing is Caelum. Caelum is latin for either the artists chisel or the universe. Here, we will be using the universe one. The reason I chose this name is simple: I like the word. I will probably post a lot of stuff on this blog. You know, pictures, songs, videos, stuff... Woah... that was so weird... I just very suddenly ran out of stuff to say... huh... Okay then, I guess I will leave it off here!!! Hope you all enjoy this, and sorry if it starts out boring! It'll be like a movie: it gets better as the plot developes!!! Bye for now!!!